And, just like that, I'm back...

More comical musings from yours truly:

1) Why does the "Ocean" option on my sleep machine include seagulls? I can't sleep to your damn caw-cawing...

2) I use an air freshener at home that smells like grass. Today, when I went outside, I couldn't figure how it got so far out. Wow.

3) I hate it when I decide to make a pot of coffee and then decide I just want to go back to bed.

4) I hate it when things break in my apartment. Not because something is broken. But because that means I have to call maintenance and I'm afraid they will tell the office I'm secretly harboring a cat.

5) That pizza was amazing, but sucks trying to fit the box into a bag without ripping it.

6) Should I be flattered or sadenned that my ex-boyfriend looks just like the singer from the free credit report dot com commercials?

7) Does a horrible song ever start playing on your iTunes and you wonder "how did this shite get on here?" And then you realize that, yes, you indeed put it there.

8) Sometimes I add things I've already done to my "To Do" list just so I can have the pleasure of checking them off.

9) They say "a watched pot never boils," but how am I supposed to know when the water's boiling?

10) Forty is the new thirty and thirty is the new twenty. But I'm fairly certain that twenty is not the new ten nor ten the new zero...

11) Why does grass fertilizer have to be turqoise? Why can't it just be green?

12) Why does it take girls two minutes to poop yet it takes guys twenty?

13) One of the beautiful things about living alone is that you can lick the drops right off the juice bottle.

14) Hey, big girl. How about you NOT give me the stink eye when I'm blotting the grease off my pizza?

15) Filled out a teacher application asking if I have "interpersonal skills." Really?

16) Online training modules are so much more palatable with alcohol.

More ruminations...

Decided forty comical quips was enough for the last post, so I'm creating a new one. Enjoy and feel free to comment!

1) If Snooki's baby is a girl, I'm betting she'll come out with her legs open.

2) You give me the option of opting out of your "quick two minute survey" AFTER a call, so why don't you give me the option of opting out of the shite Muzak you play BEFORE the call?

3) Something tells me I should reconsider making major life decisions with my "Magic 8-Ball" app.

4) I don't know what's worse: the fact that the "Game On" song promoting Santorum is stuck in my head or the fact I'm willing to admit it's actually a pretty catchy tune.

5) I hate it when my cat farts and doesn't claim ownership for it.

6) Yesterday, during a job interview, I actually found myself uttering the phrase "And I really like the opportunities for extra professional development." WTF?!

7) Not gonna lie, but that cute little hipster couple in the Subaru ads totally makes me want a Subaru.

8) Sometimes, when I'm feeling fancy, I cook my ramen noodles "al dente."

9) At some point, we've all told ourselves "he's cute in the darkness."

10) Admit it. We've all imagined hooking up to Enigma.

11) Hey, guy next to me in traffic: If you're gonna pick your nose and then proceed to EAT your booger, at least wait until there's not someone directly beside you. Thanks and PS: You're gross.

12) Look co-worker, I realize you're in your uber-late 30's and desperate to have a baby ASAP. But that doesn't mean I want to hear about your "eggs popping" every single lunch break and, yes, I'm fairly confident I speak for all of us on this matter.

13) Continuing with the baby theme: Look, I barely know you, new co-worker, and while I realize your baby is due any minute now, I really don't think the entire break room really wants daily updates on exactly how dilated you are. Just let me eat my Lean Cuisine in peace, please, without updates on how much your va-jay-jay is expanding. Thanks.

14) Imagine sharting on a date. It hasn't happened to me yet, but with my luck in dating, it's probably only a matter of time.

15) And speaking of poo: You know the times when you really need another roll of toilet paper? Yup, that's pretty much always the time you realize you are completely out.

16) Six things you're guaranteed to find lots of in any small town, cutesy boutique: 1) zebra/ leopard prints, 2) lime green, 3) hot pink, 4) rhinestones, 5) grosgrain ribbon (the cheerleader bow kind), and 6) that damn curlicue font. Usually all together.

17) Whenever I feel like my place is getting too messy, I watch an episode of "Hoarders" to make me feel better.

18) Drove past a billboard that said "Going to HELL? Call a local Christian church today." Really, guys? How's that Jesus marketing campaign working out for you? Do lots of people drive by and think to themselves, "Shit! Thanks for the reminder on the whole Hell thing! I'm calling a church as soon as I get home!"

19) Today's youth need to learn that "Why aren't you married yet?" is not an appropriate question to ask everyone over the age of 25ish without a “ring on it.” They've somewhat learned not to ask a woman who has gained weight if they're preggers, so what's the holdup on this one?

20) Dear Pregnant Coworker: If we could minimize the talk about your cervix over lunch, that would be great.

21) Dear Potential Employer: Seriously? You only accept .html and .pdf files? It's 2012. When you planning on getting fancy and starting to accept those .doc files?

22) Caught one of my students sleeping, so I called his name and told him to wake up. Then, without skipping a beat, he popped up and said: "I wasn't sleeping; I was reminiscing about all the good times we've had in this class." Well played, kid. Well played.

23) There's nothing worse than teaching a room full of high schoolers and having the feeling that you could very well shart at any given moment.

24) Even though I know the number "0" is technically "zero," I will forever refer to it as "oh." What can I say... I guess I'm an "oh" fan.


25) A boy asked a girl to Prom in my class yesterday. I played their favorite song as he got down on one knee, gave her a dozen red roses, and officially asked her. So chivalry isn't dead somewhere... and that somewhere is effing high school. Damn.

Comical thoughts...

Just some products of my constant ruminating...

1) I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment every time I talk to a customer service representative and I am NOT asked to take "a quick two minute survey."

2) I know you're really excited or really curious, but one exclamation point or one question mark will suffice. Thanks.

3) Whenever people say "I don't watch TV," it's almost inevitable there's a tone of superiority in their voice.

4) I'm fairly certain men are the only people who buy 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

5) The purpose of my giving you permission to get a girl's number was only so we'd have her as a potential threesome partner. You dating her and dropping me down to "friend" status after dating her (without me) for less one week was never part of the equation. I'm not your dating service when I'm dating you, d-bag.

6) Hey, thanks for waiting until AFTER we decide to become boyfriend/ girlfriend (albeit the same night) to tell me that you were institutionalized for being severely delusional.

7) My "Coexist" sticker was stolen off my car. Way to represent yourself, uber-Christians. Were you absent the Sunday they preached about Jesus and "Thou Shalt Not Steal"? Because stealing a sticker that promotes religious tolerance off of someone else's property makes Christians look really awesome.

8) What if he WERE Romeo in black jeans?

9) I wonder if the guys from Fastball ever realized that "You're an Ocean," when sung, sounds exactly like "Urine Ocean."

10) I know we all wish we could "Rent a Boyfriend," but does anyone else want to "Rent a Baby/ Toddler"?

11) I often wonder just how long I should leave the bathroom fan on after dropping a deuce.

12) A cop pulled me over for speeding and actually told me I needed to "slow my roll." I so wanted to tell that she was not, in fact, on Reno 911.

13) When you're unemployed, you never know what day of the week it is.

14) Chapstick Fairy, I am done playing games with you.

15) The only bad thing about those little (yet strong) 8 oz. beers? They don't make koozies small enough for them.

16) Why is "no Canadian bacon" on my Egg McMuffin so incomprehensible?

17) Straight guys should not have small dogs or Mini Coopers. My ex-boyfriend had both. Damn.

18) Cupid, I hope one of those arrows backfires and shoots you in the ass.

19) Why isn't the word "marital" "marrigal"?

20) I'm still waiting to see that group of tailgaters in their Forever Lazys.

21) Lifting one cheek off the chair when you fart just makes it more obvious that you're letting an SBD rip.

22) I'm still waiting to see a group of people tailgating in their Forever Lazys.

23) I make myself feel better by using a paper towel as a plate because I'm not using another paper towel as a napkin. You know, being green and all that.

24) You know your dating life is pretty awesome when you take a mass singles survey and they choose to publish your response to the "describe some of your worst dates ever" question.

25) Sleeping with Brook every night is pretty awesome. So much better than Dockside or Ocean.

26) I felt bad for the handicapped person who left a note on my car informing me I had parked in a handicapped spot, because... what if it's their hand that's handicapped?

27) Lately, I've been getting emails advertising amazing Spring Break destinations and deals. I'm 32 and no longer get a Spring Break, but thanks for reminding me assholes.

28) The best thing about sitting next to an infant or a toddler on a plane? It's not that they're cute and you can make funny faces at them to entertain yourself. It's that you can fart silently and everyone will just assume the kid has a poopy diaper.

29) When did "trending" become a verb? Did I miss something... or I am just getting old?

30) Should I be flattered or saddened that my ex-boyfriend looks exactly like the lead musician on the freecreditreport dot com commercials?

Made my first movie...

Ran into a "sorority sister" who is my age at Target on my lunch break. I was running in to get a Lean Cuisine and she was perusing the aisles with one of her FOUR children. She had seen me earlier in the week at school (where her kids go to school and where I am actually employed) and she said "Wow... we must be on the same schedule." I couldn't help but laugh inside and this is the result of said encounter. Enjoy.

It's been awhile...

So I'm now back in the state I grew up in, in a city not at cool as Austin. It was a tough decision, but I got amazing job offer and I knew I had to do it for professional reasons. As for dating, I said I was going to put it on hold until next semester when I was sure I was "kicking ass and taking names at my new job."

And... six weeks in, I caved. I rejoined eHarmony. Yes, this is coming from the girl who swore off online dating forever. I'm just really ready for a relationship that could turn into something substantial, and eHarmony is the most relationship oriented of all the dating sites (as you know, I've dipped my toe in all those waters). I haven't met anyone in real-life yet, but I am emailing two guys who seem to have their shite together.

Get this. Not only is my retired father still trying to run my life, he now thinks he can be my matchmaker too. He met a young man who was looking at the apartments I was looking into (except I wasn't actually there because I was traveling all summer), and he told him about me. The young man gave my dad his business card and told him to have me call him, since we were both moving from out of town and didn't know many people.

So we started texting, then became facebook friends, then met in real life. We have a really great dynamic. He is funny and super-sweet, as in he dropped off a housewarming plant, card, and CD on my doorstep the morning after we met. But I'm not sure it's there. We even went out on a pseudo- double date (with a couple who is engaged... talk about pressure) two days after we met. He paid for the nice dinner and I bought us a few rounds of drinks after. We hug, run errands together, and even cuddle when we watch movies together, but we've never kissed. Either he's uber-respectful and waiting for the right time or he senses that I'm not sure. I've even slept over at his place twice now and all we do is cuddle. It's sweet, but perplexing. Still, it's nice having someone to cuddle with (I'm a huge cuddler).

Did go on my first real date here in my new city. It was with a guy I met at a charity event. He was cute in the dark, has a good job, and bought me several drinks. But the second time around, in the daylight, the best word I can use to describe our time together was "lackluster." His khakis were ill-fitting, his polo was as well, and his hair... damn, let's just say his hair has so much potential. If he let it grow out a little more, he could absolutely pull off the British indie rocker moppy hair look (which I love). But I didn't get enough personality. And with a personality as big as mine, I need someone to match that. I thanked him for my beverages at the end of the night and gave him a polite hug (as in a one arm and a pat on the back type of hug), but apparently he didn't take the hint.

I am so bad about conveying to nice guys who are interested in me that I'm not interested in dating them. He asked me later that week if I wanted to hang out and my response (trying to be as sweet and as diplomatic as possible while still conveying my romantic disinterest) was "Sure. Round up as many people as possible. The more the merrier!" Fail.

I've made two girlfriends at work. Both are married. One is 24 and one is 34. Although I'm in the middle in age, I still feel like the old maid in the group because I'm single. Now that I'm back in the buckle of the Bible belt and not in liberal Austin, I feel so much more pressure to be in a relationship. And now that I'm teaching high school students, I can't help but wonder what my students think of me. "She's pretty... why is she not married?" Or worse, "she must have some fatal flaw to be post-law school and single." (For the record, they don't know whether or not I have a boyfriend. But clearly, there is no ring on my finger.)

That's the update for now. Wish me luck finding whatever it is I'm looking for.

Worst Dating Week Ever

1. The German

We actually met in real-life, not through match or any of those other online "dating" sites. I was with a guy friend and I spotted this gorgeous guy. And not only was he gorgeous... he had an accent! I was going to make something happen. So I started making small talk (he was just at the table next to me) and I made sure to introduce my male friend as a friend. By the end of the exchange, what do you know? He's jotting down his number in sexy European handwriting on a napkin (and yes, there is such thing as European handwriting, just like there is such thing as Japanese lettering when the Japanese write using the Roman alphabet).

So months passed and months passed, and we kept trying to make plans but one of us always had a conflict. So last Friday, he invited me to have a drink. I was totally in my PJ's at that point and not planning on going out, but I so could not let this opportunity pass me by. He is gorgeous. And foreign. So he gave me 20 minutes to get ready and I made it just in time. In the meantime, since he had been there by himself, he had befriended a married couple seated next to him at the bar.

They were nice people, but... I sensed trouble when he continued paying more attention to them than to me (someone who he had met last fall and had been trying to make plans with ever since). He bought me a beer, refused to tell me his last name (said there were accomplishments in his past that he doesn't want people to know about... hmm.) While still paying very little attention to me, he bought me another beer and continued the banter with the married couple. One thing he doesn't know though: He had given the husband his number AND his last name. And the hubby shared it with me. I'll let you on what I found out later.

So he goes on and on about how he's against dating and when you meet someone you just know. And my response was "don't you have to date to meet these people?" It was a losing battle. We never really got anywhere. At this point, at hot as he was, I had pretty much counted him out. He asked me few, if any, questions about myself, and basically just made small talk about dating the whole time.

When the married couple finally left, I was surprised he invited me out for another drink. I thought this whole thing was an clear no-go. So we went next door (very creative), he bought me a beer, and we pretty much sat there awkwardly. The moments our beverages were through, he paid and we left. I asked him if he'd drive me to my car, since I was parked much further than he. He did. When we hugged to say goodnight, I went in for the traditional European kiss on each cheek. And then our lips met. And next thing I know we're full on making out leaning against my car. The kissing was good, but it didn't give me butterflies. I think it was a litmus test for both of us.

Of course, the moment I got home I googled him and discovered: 1) He barely missed being on the Olympic running team due to an injury, 2) he's acted in several films, and 3) he's a model.

So even though I wasn't completely convinced, this new yet hidden part of him intrigued me. So I sent him a text the following week inviting him to Happy Hour. I even said "Happy Hour? I am intrigued by you." His response (a few days later... WTF?) was "T: It was lovely to finally meet you. You are a very nice (I guess he doesn't know that here in the States "nice" is like the antithesis to "pretty/hot) and charismatic woman. But I don't think it would be a good idea. I appreciate the invite though." Wow... what a way to start my day: rejection. Why couldn't he have sent that the night before so I could sleep on it and be over it? My response: "I appreciate your honesty. It was nice meeting you." And his: "The pleasure was all mine."

Now I know some of you may say that not all people are compatible and he let me down as politely as he possibly could. But my question remains: Why the kiss, then? Was he searching for some spark? I didn't feel it either, and I'm not usually one to say that in time it can be created, but god he was gorgeous. End of story.

2. The Neighbor

So this is the neighbor who helped me when I had a dead battery. He drove me to the battery store and all. The more we chatted, the more I realized I was really enjoying his company. Problem? He literally lives across the hall from me.

I was secretly hoping to spend more time with him later, so when he knocked on my door on a subsequent Saturday morning and invited me to go watch a basketball game with his friends, I was more than game. Needless to say, we all drank a bit. Then, as is often the case, we went back to his place, drank more, and decided it would be a good idea to hit the town. So out we went. The two of us were pretty much in our own little world the entire evening, chatting and taking pictures. When we got back to our complex, it seemed only logical that he would invite me in. Invite me in he did, and that's when the making out began. We slept in the same bed that night, kissing and cuddling. Nothing happened. But when I say nothing happened, I mean that only in the sexual sense. See, I have this little issue that happens when I go to bed really wasted and don't use the restroom before I fall asleep. Yup, you guessed it. I wet my new neighbor friend's bed in the middle of the night. When I realized what had happened, I drukenly thought out my possibilities: 1) Do I tell him what happened? 2) Do I flee across the hall? 3) Do I blame it on him?

Being too honest for option 2 or 3, I woke him up and embarrassingly confessed. He was surprisingly cool about the whole ordeal, and didn't even kick me out. He just gave me a change of clothes and we relocated to the sofa. Pretty damn cool if you ask me. And he continued to hold me and love on me, even after all of that. So the next morning I took his sheets and washed them and dried them. The delivery was a bit awkward, but what should I have expected?

That wasn't the rejection. The rejection came when I went over to his place to watch a movie. We had always cuddled when we watched movies together, so I thought nothing of it. I did, however, notice that whenever I tried to hold his hand he always shied away. When I was leaving, I leaned in for a kiss and he literally responded with "I'm not going to kiss you." Ouch.

Oh well. He was a Republican anyway. It never would've worked out.

3. The Teen Crush

So this guy and I worked together at a summer camp for two summers, when I was 17 and 18. I had the biggest crush on him, even though he was such an asshole to me. You'd think I would've learned my lesson then, but when I was that young I had no clue (and now have only a few).

Anyway, he was in town for business and wanted to meet up. It was Cinco de Mayo, so I invited him and his coworkers to a street festival. When his coworkers asked me how we knew each other, I told them the truth. I told them we had worked at a summer camp together and had had a love/ hate relationship and he was quite the ladies' man and quite the jackass. No one seemed to care. When we decided to leave the street party and walk to another venue, I got caught at a "No Walk" sign and everyone else went on ahead. I had figured that he'd wait for me, but then he started sending me hateful texts about how I had "come on too strong" and "shared too much" with his coworkers. He and his friends had literally abandoned me and there I was, all dressed up with no place to go. A familiar feeling, unfortunately.

We eventually "made up" via text the next morning, when he was (hopefully) sober. Needless to say though, I'm no longer a fan.

You just don't leave a pretty girl on a street corner by herself, whether she's somehow offended you or not. Next...

4. The Frenchman

S**t My Dad Says

Oh, my dear dad. He's 72, newly retired, and has the best of intentions. I think he figured I'd be married by now, and so now, with all of his new free time, he spends his time trying to figure out how to get me married off.

Keep in mind he was born in 1938, so he says stuff all the time like "you'll never find man until you learn how to cook and clean and keep a nice house" and thinks it's perfectly socially acceptable. I then quickly remind him that it is indeed 2011 and not the 1950's. He sends me links to cooking classes all the time, because he is damn near sure that's where I'm going to meet my husband.

Ironically, my dad is the one who suggested I get on match. When that didn't work out, he sent me a text saying: "Ok you can blame me for match. My next idea which is a winner. Large church with a large singles group!" My response: "No thanks. You're not making up for match by forcing organized religion on me."

He pressed on: "[Church] is a good place to meet people with no pressure. They dance and have many activities. Try it you might like it. I would recommend an Episcopal church!" (The dancing part is my favorite.)

My response: "What's with all the god stuff today?"

His response: "We both want you to have a happy life!"

Aww... more to surely come later.

Y mas!

From a 24 year old in Algeria:

my name is **** chihane im livine in algeria
im send u he msg becuae i hink can mak a good relatione
im ait u answer thx

From a 26 year old in Kenya:

hey dear i bounced by u on the site seems to me that ur the on e

bye bye

(Concise. Yet profound.)

From a 25 year old in Yemen:

Praise God created man and taught him the statement, first
I find it difficult to describe myself, but to do so especially as we are here to look for life partner. I am a simple man Printing and happy, very frank and not in the right Ojaml, cohabitant and easy, compassionate, loving, loved the family. I believe in frank with my partner and the exchange of love with her. I hope that I meet female partner ready for the life of the wife and family stability, building a family I appreciate honesty and integrity in person. I hope that I meet that bear the personal meanings of life and bear with me in the problem, solve and bad. I wish to accept personal fun and make life beautiful difficulties and wish to make a smile in my face as I'll be her. .

I looked at Provayeck and I liked a lot and I am interested in you a lot and I like to know more about you and you are a human being suitable to be future wife Lee and mother of my children and your profile Ante wonderful person and you like stability and I'm ready to communicate with you as possible we have to connect via email or via Facebook and get to know each other more in order to build our relationship on the one true love, and we know some of why we love what a hate and how to plan for our future and more details will be reaching out to the site that I wish to be happy times and good to me all the appreciation and respect, dear sweet
I hope to hear from you soon in response to
Kisses for you and your beautiful cheeks and your body exciting
This is love at first sight

(Can't help but think that was written in his native language and then put through an online translator...)

From a 30 year old in Iran:

Hello , how are you?.this is ****** I come from Iran , I checked your profile and I have to say that I am interested in your profile.i am seeking a serious relationship for marriage , so if you don’t have problem with my nationality, you are always welcome to write me back , also if you want to know more about me you can check my website (www.*******.com) and I am interested to hear and know more about you?. And your strandards for your favourite guy.
Regards,

******

From a 39 year old in Turkey (who I never responded to):

Why didnt you giving me answer? I m waiting you... I m not ordinary man, ı can love you forever, ı can read you, ı can smell you and ı can drink you forever... Where are you? :-(

From a 25 year old in Cameroon:

hello and good day.my names are joseph ilome njie and i am from cameroon,aged 25 and a bachelors degree in humain geography,height 1,70 and having chocolate black.i saw your profile and i am interested for marriage.please kindly contact me on this number...

From a 26 year old in Algeria:

I am interested in you. i would like to have a great good serious relationship with you... i promise you tht i will be the friend tht you talk with and your lover who allow him to shed your tears and your soulmate tht he listen to you and make you happy all the times and a great husband to share with you everything in tht world, will be enough for me to see my head against yours on one pillow or walking on the street with our babies, i will be your man, yours, i need to give us a chance to prove you and i believe in the god's willing and i believe in my self too
Support, love, respect, carring and backing each other, that is what i'm going to offer you, i hope it is enough for you to agree about giving us a chance.
I know deep in my self that we are going to creat something real, something that last forever and go with us to our graves, babies, warmy home, this is not just an expressions to blow your mind or to make you interested in me but it is real, this how i'm going to feel when i will meet face to face, breathe against breathe, i mean every single word and all i need now is one chance to prove what i've wrote for you, to make you happy the happiest woman on this earth, i hope to hear from you soon
thats my msn to keep in touch, i'm waiting your answer and i hope to hear from you soon

From a 39 year old in Australia:

PS: Yes my profile say I am married and I am as I do not hide the fact. I am not here for some werid sinister act. I travel alot with my work and this is my time out and my space to myself. I love meeting new people especially from all over the world and chatting and sharing culture diversity. So i am here to make new friends. If I developed a friend ship and it went further then that would be in the hands of fate and also it would prove to me that i do have another soul-mate out there and i would have to re-valuate my lifes pathway's. Pklus the other reason i am here is i do not believe in social networking sites like facebook etc as they are to me very unsafe and un-secure.

(Wow. I love that he included the fact that he is MARRIED as a "PS." Funny thing is... there were about three long paragraphs about himself before the PS. Wonder if his wife knows about his mechanism for "meeting new people"?)

From a 26 year old in Tunisia:

If you're a bee, then I am your flower sweet, the flower which you will most want to ask you about it. Ohhhhh
beautiful in heart and in all seriousness, desire for true and lasting relationship is serious or sincerity, trust, honesty will be a strong pillar for the beginning. I am not on this site for an adventure. Only serious woman. My heart is waiting Love of my life !!!!! contact me on my msn...

From a 38 year old in Sweden:

You know the first thing that attract me in a woman is the eyes and then i look at the feet because i think they are beautiful on
a woman and i like to massage them.....
Do you like that a man care for your feet or
do you feel it is strange thing to like?

(And everytime he wanted to use the word "trust," he wrote "thrust." Ha ha ha.)

From a 41 year old in Turkey:

hi princess,

my name is *****. West of Turkey, from Izmir. I am 41 years old, 174 tall, 90 kg, brown, very sweet young. I like living. I love to love. And I say to you, I want to love you for a lifetime. Can you give me the opportunity?

All my life I called a lady like wine. That lady wanted to drink every night of a lifetime. But I could not find the lady. Her breath I sleep in it and I wanted to live in that lady's breath. That lady wanted to read like a poem every morning. Her hands and kiss all the time that I wanted to caress her hair.

And I say to you let me love you give me a lifetime ... Would you be my poem? I give you my heart I am a lifetime Will you store it? And one day, if I discover a planet, the planet that you live with me, will you?

a ship,
my mother's wet eyes on board wounded
waves in the hands of the curve
Do not pull water one after the
this tide, the delusions
falls into the water a long time a daisy..

With love,

*****

From a 37 year old in Senegal:

Hello Dear,

How are you doing over there? am **** by name am from nigeria but work and live in dakar senegal am 37 years old single i have a son of 10 years old the mother son f**k my younger brother f**k my friends and that is the reason why i live her on her own am here in (site) looking for a soulmate a woman that i will spend the rest of my life with a woman that we will love each other have the true love for each other and understand each other good i went to your profile i would love to know you better i would be glad to read back from you here is my email address ******@yahoo.com you can email me to my e mail have a nice day

Priceless...

From a 30 year old in Spain:

Hi cute, how are you Friendy.. This is abdul from spain and the Family is living in sweden. Its really Nice to meet you and apologize if l disturb but as I kept a sight on your profile Its impressive your personality.. as I am seeking for reliable soul partner to get married, with bundle of respect I am going to ask you.. would you please like to know consequently about me, if you want to see me by making a video call I say welcome please and lt is the pray to Allah make us Eligible. The best and most beautiful things in the world can´t be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart .The Internet is good way for acquaintance and you are a cute one.. Dudde! I will be looking forward to hear you expectantly buddy. Okay bye - keep smiling and take goood care... (contact info)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Praying to Allah that we're eligible!!

A few more gems from the international site...

Copied and pasted exactly as written. Names and emails deleted to protect me... I don't want you stealing these winners away from me. : )

From a 46 year old in Canada (and this really is all the email said):

"hope you have got a license for that killer weapon"

From a 41 year old in Algeria:

"Hello

I'm Mohamed from Algeria and I am interested in you and I want to know you more
Write me on my email *****@*****.com
i'm waiting"

From a 31 year old in Uganda:

"only the sky should be the limit ,am interested in you."

From a 41 year old in Korea:

"How are you? I am ***** who is living in Korea. I woulld like to live sincerity and truth. When I was young my future plan was to be a diplomat. Now I think international salesman is a sort of diplomat. Before leaving for business trip to abroad I usually feel getting new energy and filling of curiosity inside of myself. Sometimes I have encountered with several difficulties during business as like car accident, sickness, lost of airplane ticket,etc. But I am still alive and getting excited in visiting new place. Time can not be recovered. So maybe I would like to live doing my best unconsciously. If you are interested in me please send me e-mail to ******@***net. Have a nice day. Bye."

And these were just from today! Can't wait to see what awaits me tomorrow.

New site... and a proposal already!

Oh my. I've made a horrible mistake. I really, really would love to meet a legitimate foreign guy who is looking for a relationship. Anyone who knows me knows I've had this set in my mind ever since I was a little girl. So I joined this international dating site, which at the time I thought would be pretty much like match but with an international twist. Wow, was I wrong. I'm pretty positive that it's actually a front for older men looking for mail-order brides. Oops. And boy, am I'm I getting a lot of responses!

I'm happy to report that I've been a member for three days now and I've already gotten my first marriage proposal! It's from a gentleman in Iraq who does not have a picture. But here's the text of his message:

How are you ? if you don’t mind I would like to tell you that you're amazing woman and actually I like you so much please don't misunderstand because I'm serious and don't looking to waste my time , I'm looking for someone special to attack my heart and get it at first sight , when I saw you, you are absolutely got my heart , I'm sure we will be happy together if you accept to marry me because I'm single like you and want someone to get married with for all my life and I promise you to do my best to make you happy , please don't hurry in your decision , so this is my email (********@gmail.com) if you want to see my picture .

I wish you good luck in your life with lots of love .
Yours always .

Hmm... what to do? I've heard there's a lot of action in Iraq these days.

UPDATE (5.1.11): And I got my second proposal!

This one is from a 33 year old in the United Arab Emirates:

hi T,how are you hope all is find.i saw your lovely profile and i am interested in you.i will like to get married to you.i will like to established a long lasting relationshipe with you,a relationshipe of deep feeling and trusted that will bring mutual understanding.i am a very nice person who is honest,easy going,respectfull,caring and hardworking.please reply and have a nice day bye

Au revoir, F.U.

So, after a series of (weekend only) fancy dates, I realized I was beginning to feel a bit like a part-time girlfriend. He works crazy hours, I realize this, usually leaving the office around 9pm Monday though Thursday. But his schedule is not conducive to us hanging out during the week, as I usually go to bed pretty early since I leave for work at 6:45am.

On top of that (pun intended), once hooking up was introduced into the equation, I felt like that became the focus. Want to come over a bit early before we go out? A few drinks later and a few happy places later, we were off to our date. He was affectionate, don't get me wrong. We held hands, he put his arm around me, we'd share small kissed in public, but he didn't open the car door for me or restaurant doors for me. WTF?! I thought the French were supposed to have to have set the benchmark for the rest of the world in terms of romancing a woman. Also, when we were out on a date, I felt like it was pretty much just a formality so we could get back to his place and hook up. Not a good feeling, ladies.

He met a few of my friends who were here for SXSW and they both said the same thing: "He's not that into you and you deserve better." Damn my affinity for accents... maybe I would've caught that sooner had he been American. So I invited him out for drinks and apps earlier last week, having no idea how things would end up.

Either I was going to tell him what I expected in a boyfriend and he would realize I'm worth it and buck up and make some changes or he would tell me that I'm asking for more than he can give me right now and that would be it. The tone, although very polite, was set very quickly. He said something to the effect that he "just wasn't quite convinced right in the beginning." And that's when the now pseudo-famous t. rant came out: "Look, I'm the full package and I bring a lot to the table. I'm 31, never been married, no children, I'm well-educated, and attractive. The beginning of a relationship is when things are supposed to be the most electric and the most magnetic. If you're at all hesitant in the beginning, it's not meant to be."

I went on to inform him that, in America, when you're boyfriend-girlfriend (as we had been exclusive for the past month), you don't just go on fancy dates on the weekends (although that is lovely in the beginning in the courtship phase). I told him that, when you want to see someone enough, you make time for them. Simple as that. You just hang out. You run errands. You watch TV. You rent movies. You cook dinner together. It's not the fanciness level that counts. It's the effort to spend time with the (supposed) object of your affection that matters.

So I very sweetly told him I think we should just be friends. I also informed him of the old bit of American wisdom that says it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them. Since we dated for a whopping month, I only have two weeks (and then I'm signing back up for match). But, bless his little French heart, he broke up with a girlfriend of seven years in London before moving here. So, he's still got a ways to go in his 3.5 year recovery period. Maybe I'll blame it on that.

So that's that. Au revoir, Monsieur F.U. And by the way, I never liked the way your beard (and your entire being) always smelled like smoke. And the kissing and all? Never that great. Conundrum: Do I date another Frenchman to see if things get better? No matter what the nationality, meeting someone legit with time to spend and a desire for something of substance would make things a bit more bearable post lay-off.

xo,

t.

Yup, I could potentially really like F.U.

Yes, those really are his initials. And because I think he really may have some potential, I'm going to resist the temptation to give any more details... besides those of our dates (so I'll always remember):

Date 1: Mulberry for brunch

* Immediately thought he was cute.

* He watched me parallel pak (badly). I blame it on being nervous because he was watching me.

* Conversation flowed.

* We shared food.

* Found little ways to touch (like a brush on the arm or the leg).

Date 2: Malaga for dinner

Date 3: Uchiko for dinner

Date 4: Oscar's Party at his place (apps and drinks and met some of the neighbors)

Date 5: Dinner and drinks at his place (he's an amazing cook)

Date 6: (yesterday) He surprised me and took me on a wine tasting tour in the Texas Hill Country (because I had told him I wanted to learn more about wine now that I was spending so much time with a Frenchman).

Date 7: (today) I surprised him and took him to the Kite Festival, where he got to meet several of my friends. Hoping that wasn't too much too soon...

Oh my. So much to write... but must lesson plan for now. More later. What a dating cliffhanger, I know.

xo,

t.

Are breakup texts the new breakup Post-It?

JM, the Final Installment

So last Friday was our big 4th/5th date (I'm sure he kept inflating the number so he could try to get some sooner)... keep in mind, once again, this was exactly one week after we had met (via match.com). See the last post for all the details of the date. Entertaining in and of themselves.

But here's where it gets really good. After having left his place (in a state of surprise) at 6 something in the morning on a Saturday, I don't hear anything from him until Monday morning... which, coincidentally, happens to be Valentine's Day. Granted, he had sent the texts the night before, but after I had already gone to sleep.

So, first thing Valentine's Day morning, I get this text: "T- I had fun on Friday and you are a smart and sexy girl. But, I don't think we're compatible longterm. I'm running marathons and you're resisting cigarette urges... not good. You are a great girl and I wish you the best. :)" (Yes, the smiley face was included.)

I'll admit, I smoke when I drink. And I was completely up front about this in my profile. In fact, in his profile, he said that his optimal date would smoke either "never" or "ocassionally." Still, I elected to leave the ciggies at home because I honestly thought that he and I could develop into something real. I even proudly told him, at the beginning of the try-to-seduce-me date, that I had left my cigarettes at home because I really wanted to try to be good. Let us now mention that he was extremely proactive when making sure my champagne glass was consistently full. And when the champagne was gone? Oh, let's go ahead and share TWO bottles of wine. Clearly, by this point with a smoking-friendly date, I would've indulged. But I didn't.

My point here? What. A. Jackass. To choose one of our few points of differences (although admittedly, I've never been divorced, I'm not rich, and I don't run marathons) that I was obviously trying to work on for him as his reason to break things off between us is absolute B.S. We did not hook-up all the way that night, and I'm uber-curious as to whether I would've received said text Sunday night had we gone all the way.

Thoughts and opinions? Besides the fact that this dude is clearly a douche-bag (who breaks up with someone via text after five very intense dates? And especially at the age of forty? Especially when you know homeslice has been around the dating block for the past EIGHT years?)... I can't help but ask myself: What just happened? Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. (Once again.)

Needless to say, Happy Valentine's to me!

And on to the next one...

Where is this mythical man who is somewhere between the 20-something, sexy, starving artist and the self-absorbed, sex-centered successful older businessman?

Maybe dudes in their 30's? I feel an experiment a-brewin...

Round 2, Date 2

JM- Match candidate #2

Chemistry from the get-go. Our emails were so full of witty banter I could hardly wait to meet him.

Date #1/2:

Our first date was on a Friday (as in just over a week ago) at a local bar. We met about 8:45. Immediately, I found him attractive and noticed that our witty banter seamlessly continued in person. Two drinks in, however, he reminded me that he had plans at 10 that he had committed to but that he really wanted to see me more tonight. So, he asked... would I be willing to wait for him at this bar for 20 minutes or so while he went and "made an apperance" at this birthday party? His tab was open, I could get whatever I wanted, I was social enough to make new friends while he was gone... blah, blah, blah. So, still being super-impressed with him at this point, I agreed to be the lady in waiting.

Alone at a bar on a Friday night while my date (1st date) went somewhere else. Awesome. I thought maybe he would invite me along, but I didn't want to ask... considering we had just met. But he preempted the issue, saying he would bring me along but it was a birthday party for a 25-year-old bitchy girl and all her friends who live in his building (he's forty) and they would give me the third-degree, asking me how we know each other, if we're together, etc. And he didn't want to put me through that. Likely story? Or possibly some prior history with one of the girls who'd be there? Honestly, at this point I don't know. But I do know he's very good looking, looks much younger than his age, and appears to have money. Hmm. So he bought me a beer and left.

Then, as expected, I made friends with the friendly folks at the table next to me and they bought me a shot. I think I then ordered another beer on his tab. Next thing I knew (and I'm pretty sure it had been just about 20 minutes as promised), he reappeared. We had another round and, all of the wonderful sudden, his hand touched the small of my back. At that point, I got so distracted I could barely formulate a coherent sentence. Then, we shared our first kiss. Just a peck, but enough to show mutual interest nonetheless. At this point, I was smitten. Granted, he had left me. But he came back. He hadn't planned on it, but he said he just wanted to keep hanging out because things were going so well. Swoon, swoon... hot, no children, successful, funny. And although he is divorced, his divorce was eight years ago and I felt that enough time had passed that he could be ready for something real. I even asked him what he was looking to get out of this whole match.com experience. He said all the right things... that, if he meets the right person, he is ready for a relationship.

So then we went to bar #2. At this point, he tried to convince me that this was now date #2 as: 1) there had been a change of venue, 2) we had had an an intermission when he went to his other obligation, and 3) he had entrusted me with his credit card. At this point, a little tipsy and loving the feeling of being loved on, I agreed. Although we had only one more drink, we suddenly became that obnoxious couple making out in the corner. I hate those couples. Whether or not I'm in a relationship. Seriously. He then walked me to my car, where we continued to make out. It was awesome... and I left with butterflies. Potential, I thought to myself.

Date #2/3:

We met at his place. A little too soon, don't you think? Look, I understand you have money and are clearly proud of your condo (so much that you are the president of the homeowner's association)... but I met you four days ago on match.com. So, after a "tour" of the very nice condo, we walked to the restaurant next door. We had a few beers, some appetizers, and two entrees. I did like the fact that I didn't have to worry about whether he would have enough money to pay for our dinner (as you probably know by now, my ex-boyfriend was a gorgeous yet unemployed musician/ artist). But I also can't help but wonder if these purchases are somehow like purchasing me. I will admit though, it felt nice to feel "taken care of." We did go back up to his condo (which was conveniently located next door to the restaurant) and there was some hooking-up. Nothing major. But enough for me to wonder... are we moving too fast? Does he really want to get to know me or does he have an agenda?

Date #3/4:

Last Friday. Exactly one week after we met. I was really worried he was planning on us going all the way on this date, so rather than have an awkward in-bed convo with him about this at what I'm sure would be an inopportune moment, I decided to just talk to him about it the day before, on Thursday. I told him I didn't want to rush things, as I could potentially actually like him. He said he understood and he was glad we were having this conversation. He went to explain how he's just a "very sexual person" and that clicking with someone you are dating in that department is very important. I agreed, then promptly reminded him that I had not even known him a week at this point. So we agreed on some boundaries for the following evening and that was that. I was actually pretty impressed with the way he handled it.

So I go over to his condo for dinner (yet again, he conveniently picked his place as the meeting point). He has a gorgeous spread of appetizers, champagne, wine, and plenty of beer. He is clearly trying to seduce me, I think to myself. But I play along. "How was your day?" I ask as I nibble on a yummy shrimp. He explains, and awkwardly returns the question. I actually go into a little more detail, as I had had a particularly rough day at work and just needed to vent. But somehow, I got the feeling that he didn't really care so much about what I was saying. That he just wanted to make out with me, fondle me, and see what else might happen if he continued to keep my champagne glass full. I even asked question after question about his family, his siblings, etc. I was genuinely trying to get to know him. He answered, but again, the answers felt more like a formality. Nor did he return any of the questions about my family. Red flag.

More later. Must break for now. Actually no, can't quit. He makes me lobster stir-fry (impressive). We ate at the table and afterwards began cuddling on the sofa. Then he says something extraordinarily cheesy like "you ready to move on to the bedroom?" In my drunkenness and knowing I had packed an overnight bag, I comply.

We hook up more. Again, not all the way. But more than the last date. Here's the kicker though, kids: After staying up until 2am or so and not getting much sleep (wink, wink), he wakes me at 5 something in the morning to tell me he always runs 18 miles on Saturday mornings... so I'd need to get ready to go. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot. Don't you think this would have been useful information to mention when you invited me over for a Friday night overnight date and filled me with considerable amounts of alcohol? So we get up, he makes me coffee (even puts mine in a to-go cup... so considerate!), and by 6:15 or so we're out the door and I'm being driven to my car.

So what to make of all of this? Well, for starters, should he get another date (which is up in the air at this point), I told him that I leave for work at 6:45am Monday through Friday. Hence, Saturdays and Sundays are my days to sleep in. I asked him if he ran so early on Sunday mornings. When he told me that he did not, I told him that if we ever did this again he needed to invite me over on a Saturday night.

I felt like such a fool. Don't you think that mentioning to your overnight date that a 6am departure is part of the deal is kind of key? Especially when we're drinking late into the night and not getting much sleep due to our hooking-up? Thought that lack of disclosure was pretty much his biggest jackass move yet. And to add fuel to my fool fire, I had brought a change of clothes because I has assumed we were going to sleep in and then maybe go to breakfast. Wow, did I feel like a winner.

So that was yesterday and I haven't heard from him since. And tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Perfect timing. As if I didn't hate the "holiday" enough when I'm single, not I'm in this weird in-between phase. I doubt he'll call or do anything. I'm over it anyway. Back out into the dating jungle, I'm supposing... wish me luck.

The next installation...

Match.com, round two:

1. DC

We met at a local bar we both liked. Turns out it was trivia night, which I found to be very serendipitous, as I love pub trivia and neither of us had known it was trivia night there until we arrived. Primary issue: He was not as attractive as his photos. Issue #2: He reminded me way too much of the hypnotist I dated from okcupid (shite sight, by the way... don't waste your time. You get what you pay for and the site is free) who was super-cool and interesting to talk to, but who I ended up ending things with simply because I wasn't attracted to him enough. Anyway, conversation flowed, but then he obnoxiously yelled out an answer (the correct answer at that) during trivia. The trivia master got onto to him and he got defensive. Major loss of points (dating points, not trivia points) there.

So we had a few rounds and I told him I was tired. He walked me to my car, since it was cold and he had let me borrow his coat- positive points... but not enough to make up for the lack of attraction and the obnoxiousness of shouting out a trivia answer. So we hugged, and though I tried to turn my head for just a cheek kiss, he somehow still managed to score a peck on the lips. And not just any peck, a peck with a shock. Literally, an electric shock. If things had gone well, I would've taken this as a fortuitous indication of a spark between us (pun intended). But since I was already ambivalent at this point, it was just one more thing to blog about. He has been removed from my favorites and we have not spoken since. Enough said.

2. JM

3. A?

I caved...

... and got myself back on the online dating bandwagon. Damn. I know I swore that Online Dating and I would not be reuniting. And I'm sorry to let you (my three blog followers) down. It's just that the "No Date January" experiment (which I cheated on) turned out to be not so grand.

First off, I made the mistake of making a special exception to "No Date January" for Ohio guy (the one who said he was "transitioning" to Austin... see prior post for more info). On our third date, he took me to dinner at Whole Foods (for the second time). I know it's an uber-nice grocery store and all, but really? And on the night before my birthday? I'm no snob, but you taking me to a place with waiters and waitresses at some point would be awesome. Scanning our dinner with a cashier just takes a bit of the romance out.

After dinner, he took me to an actual restaurant (whoa!) to celebrate the engagement of one of his work colleagues. It was clearly one of those deals where he got invited after he had made plans with me. So, he opted just to bring me along. Things started off awesomely, as you would expect when you bring a third date to an engagement party. "Do you guys live together?" was the first question we got. "I'll let you take that one," I smirked.

I probably should have taken it as a sign when I stood up to go to the other side of the table to hear the engagement story and felt a sharp pain in my left big toe. My yelp emanated through The Cheesecake Factory and the entire party stopped to look at me, the random date. I felt awesome. So from where did this pain stem? Turns out a chair leg cover (the kind that keeps a chair from sliding) had come out of one of the chairs and I had the good fortune of stepping right on it. Damn thing looked like an oversized thumb tack. And yup, it went right through my boot and my sock and into my big toe. Blood and awesomeness. Happy engagement, strangers!

When something that could potentially give rise to litigation happens to a corporation, the staff wastes no time. Before I knew it, I had a "Cheesecake Factory Incident Report Form" in front of me and the managers were at my beck and call. After I stopped the bleeding with a napkin, the manager gave me a band-aid (even put it on himself) and asked me if I needed anything else. Like ice... or medical attention. I asked them if I could keep the thumb tack-looking chair piece, but they informed me that corporate needed it. That's when I had to play the lawyer trump card. "As a lawyer, I don't know if I feel comfortable with that." Their eyes lit up and then they told me... I could take pictures. For artistic flair (and for fun), I then placed the massive thumb tack on top of the Cheesecake Factory menu so their logo was uber-visible and took a photo. Love it.

You'd think maybe they would've offered to pick up the tab for my two beers, but no suck luck. Anyhow, I figured corporate would take a week or so to contact me, but much to my surprise... their attorney called me the very next day. Wow. All I told them is that I would keep watch on the toe and let them know if I thought I needed a tetanus shot. So far, so good. I'm still standing (pun intended).

Haven't seen Ohio guy since. Good riddance, Ohio. I am not your rent-a-date. But thank you for the two grocery store dinners. And for stealing another chair leg cover so I could have evidence of my own.

2. Neighbor

3. D

4. J

5. A

Those numbered items mean more later.

xo,

t.

Update

1. So C, the chivalrous, potentially normal guy who was "transitioning" to Austin from Ohio for work, lived up to every initial concern I had. The first time we met, I was like "so, you don't technically even live here? This makes me feel like a freaking OKCupid rent-a-date." And l am much more valuable than that. But he assured me he was in training to move to Austin permanently. Uhm, three UH-MA-ZING dates later, what-do-you-know, no such luck. "My life is just so confusing right now... I don't even know where I'm gonna be anymore." Wow. Glad, I gave HomeSlice a second and third date, enough to charm me and get me hopeful that this could potentially be legit. And glad I got him a cute little b-day present (3 weeks before my b-day, not that I got something for him to receive anything in return, but still... this simply serves as an indication of how much time he had). So, thankfully we never hooked up (which was a wise decision, because as much as he thought our kissing dynamic was "amazing," I was never quite on the same page.) So, with a text of "This has been crazy. I don't even know where I'll be next, or when. I'm saying I'm sorry, but we both kind of knew it could come to this from the beginning." Uhh... really?! Don't you think I would have appreciated some knowledge of your uncertainty of your future whereabouts at the beginning? Ugh, so done with OKC. And C and I actually had chemistry... thank bejeesus we didn't ever hook up.

2. Ex-BF

3. Neighbor Boy

Sound like...

1. The Naked & Famous SOUND LIKE Passion Pit

2. The Vaccines SOUND LIKE The Smiths

Looking for a FEAST

So when your 72 year old father starts emailing you articles like "8 Reasons Why You're Still Single," you know you've reached a new level of awesomeness. But I did read the article and one of them actually stuck with me. "You're too picky" was reason #6. The article said we shouldn't have a "laundry list" of things we're looking for in a potential mate. Why? Because people aren't sofas and we don't get to pick them to our exact specifications. Fair enough.

This whole idea kind of goes along with what I was saying earlier about online dating being great because it did the "pre-screening" for me. I genuinely thought it would make things simpler because I knew more of the suitors' "specs" before deciding whether to go out with them. An online dating profile is like a virtual test drive of a man without having to talk to them or touch them. Again, you'd think this would be a good thing. But I've found it's not because 1) it's just too much information provided too soon and we use this to potentially create a history with someone before we've ever met them and 2) oftentimes this "history" we create will be based on information that is false.

So you know online dating and I have parted ways. And no, we're not getting back together. Although, while home for the holidays this weekend, I met the new girlfriend of a rather "intense" friend from high school and how did they meet? e-freaking-harmony. I was floored. She was pretty. And normal. And they were really into each other. Why couldn't I be the poster child for eHarmony like they were? Was it really because they're in California and I'm in Texas? I don't buy that. We're all busy and there are people looking for legit relationships everywhere. Hmm. Ideas?

Back to this notion of being "too picky," maybe my dad's emailed relationship article had a point. So, in an effort to test this theory out, I revisited my (admittedly long) list of qualities a guy needs to have and reduced it down to FIVE. And how dorkishly cool is this... when I put the first letters of the top 5 qualities in a certain order it spells the word "FEAST." Muah ha ha. Now I can say things like "yeah, he was okay for a nibble but he was no feast." My how I entertain myself.

Okay, here it goes... the new, streamlined, top 5 for 2011:

F- funny
E- educated/ employed
A- attractive
S- stable/ sensitive/ sweet
T- tall (at least as tall as me)

There are so many other things I want to add, but I'm going to see how long I last with this oh-so-abbreviated experiment of a list. Argh. Sitting on my hands...