And, just like that, I'm back...

More comical musings from yours truly:

1) Why does the "Ocean" option on my sleep machine include seagulls? I can't sleep to your damn caw-cawing...

2) I use an air freshener at home that smells like grass. Today, when I went outside, I couldn't figure how it got so far out. Wow.

3) I hate it when I decide to make a pot of coffee and then decide I just want to go back to bed.

4) I hate it when things break in my apartment. Not because something is broken. But because that means I have to call maintenance and I'm afraid they will tell the office I'm secretly harboring a cat.

5) That pizza was amazing, but sucks trying to fit the box into a bag without ripping it.

6) Should I be flattered or sadenned that my ex-boyfriend looks just like the singer from the free credit report dot com commercials?

7) Does a horrible song ever start playing on your iTunes and you wonder "how did this shite get on here?" And then you realize that, yes, you indeed put it there.

8) Sometimes I add things I've already done to my "To Do" list just so I can have the pleasure of checking them off.

9) They say "a watched pot never boils," but how am I supposed to know when the water's boiling?

10) Forty is the new thirty and thirty is the new twenty. But I'm fairly certain that twenty is not the new ten nor ten the new zero...

11) Why does grass fertilizer have to be turqoise? Why can't it just be green?

12) Why does it take girls two minutes to poop yet it takes guys twenty?

13) One of the beautiful things about living alone is that you can lick the drops right off the juice bottle.

14) Hey, big girl. How about you NOT give me the stink eye when I'm blotting the grease off my pizza?

15) Filled out a teacher application asking if I have "interpersonal skills." Really?

16) Online training modules are so much more palatable with alcohol.