epiphany

I can tell just by looking at your "head shot" if you're too short for me or not. I'm sitting at about a 90% accuracy rate right now. Bring it on.

mas from profiles reales...

The one thing that [game wizard] is most passionate about:ng Louis is most passionate about:

Not really passionate about anything to the point where I would consider it to be life defining. I suppose if I had to say something I would put scuba diving and board games at the top, and reading and parties (or going out of some other form).

The one thing [word creator] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: Who I am but thats to be aspected The last book [word creator] read and enjoyed: the little prince It a childerns book about the question of life

Suitor #5 Loses It

His email (and keep in mind we hung out for an hour total and I had told him before we ever met that I wasn't romantically interested in him):

I can't really remember the last time I was so disappointed. I had such high hopes. I didn't sense the depth that I would expect to be there from someone with honest intentions and a generous view of the world. Maybe its just an affectation. I know you've probably skated by on looks and stature and maybe didn't develop certain aspects of your personality but that stuff fades. And Most guys wouldn't notice anyway. Well I do. A girl can go from beautiful to ugly really quickly in my book. It was rude to not wait for me to get my coffee and it was rude to say "you made another short friend". I like a little more respect than that. I also have no desire to apart of your collection of guy friends that yearn for you. Awkward nothing you enjoy that they feel that way. I've know girls that dig that. Every once in a while one of the guy friends gets to come off the proverbial bench then it never works out. Well one day the gaggle of dudes is going to dry up. I was really hoping that we could either be good friends or that I could impress you enough to change you mind. Instead it was my mind that changed.

My reply (and I am never confrontational but this needed to be addressed):

Wow. I'm really sorry that you've chosen to view our brief meeting that way. I will not follow your lead and make personal attacks as such is not my style, but I will kindly make one recommendation (for future dates or future meetings with potential friends): please make an effort to ask questions of the other person. Have a good one- and best of luck finding what you are looking for! : )

One more thing. When I say try to ask questions of the other person as well, that means talking about yourself the entire time is not optimal. And as passionate as you are about politics, talking about it the whole time on a first meeting (or ever really) does not lend itself to the woman wanting to hang out again. Just FYI. I really do wish you the best!

(And no need to write back.)

tess

Suitor #5

Sweet guy. But he knew I just wanted to be friends from the initial email and kept pushing for more. The only reason I wrote him to begin with was that I really liked his perspective on the world. Another factor is that he's shorter than me and I don't date guys who are shorter than me (I try to stick with this as a general rule, but both of my ex-boyfriends are an inch shorter than me and Suitor #1 -who is still in first place- is also shorter than me). I even told him this.

He did bring up a good point- that he wished that I wouldn't put him in the "friend zone" for a factor that he has no control of. Good, but that doesn't change the fact that 1) I'm not attracted to you in the least, 2) your voice is high-pitched and annoying, 3) you have a huge head and wore a fedora that was too small for said head, 4) you talked about politics pretty much the whole time, and 5) you never asked me a single question about me.

So I gave him a good hour. More than Suitor #3 who I only got 20 minutes (which were 20 of the longest minutes ever). We hugged when I said goodbye. I was planning on a casual, light hug and he hugged me so hard I thought my back was going to pop. Afterwards he even said "see, I'm not that much shorter than you." Still trying... aww.

So do I archive him now and hurt his feelings? Do I try for a friendship as I said I would? All I know is that from now on I am no longer emailing guys I have no romantic interest in just because they seem like they'd be a cool friend to have.

Current tally: 5 suitors. 2 above average. 3 out of the question. Not bad, I guess??

wow. these are from actual dating profiles...

This will be an ongoing list...

Potential Suitor 1:

a) Some additional info [right wing d-bag] wanted you to know is:

If you are a vegetarian, anti-gun, or an Obama supporter, there is a good chance that we will not get along.

b) The things [right wing d-bag] can't live without are:

Beef

Diesel

chapstick & sun glasses

ipod & sat radio

Truck

Potential Suitor 2:

If you are 5'5", I do not recommend withholding photos and choosing the "request my photo" option.

Potential Suitor 3:

a) Posing in front of an American flag, especially when you admit you photoshopped said flag into the photo, does not make you more attractive.

b) The things [pretend good 'ol boy without an appreciation for the double entendre] can't live without are: my ablity to fit 9 things in where only 5 go...

Potential Suitor #4:

The last book [creepy guy who still lives in his mom's basement] read and enjoyed:

I recently read a couple of Star Wars books, The DaVinci Code, and PIHKAL. I enjoyed each in it's own different way. Star Wars was obviously just fun. DaVinci Code had a great plot. And, PIHKAL was for work!

Potential Suitor #5:

If your job description contains the phrase "middle management," you are getting archived.

Also, "genuality" is not a word. Always good to proofread your profile for made up words. They don't make you sound smart. But then again, you are in middle management.

#6:

The last book [meathead much?] read and enjoyed:

I usually read textbooks and journals for work. Recently started reading "The Stand" though. It's sooooo long! I read a few pages, then do a couple of curls with it.

Suitor #4

Suitor #4 is currently in second place. Bless his eHarmony heart, he emailed me today and said "Did I do something wrong? I was really looking forward to meeting you." It was then I realized I had totally been ignoring him, as he was one of my "potential but back burner" guys." I told him the truth, that I had been busy. I left out the part that I was going out every night like a college kid and basically meeting a different guy from the site every day. So, on a whim, we met each other for happy hour.

Positives: 1) he's cute, 2) we can have a conversation with ease, and 3) he was gentlemanly enough to pick up the check on the first date.

Negatives: 1) I asked him about himself (and consequently he talked about himself) the whole time, 2) he never (and I mean NEVER) asked me a single thing about my background or my career, and 3) he is in the military (I've had a negative experience with dating someone in the military (a girlfriend in every city- nice!), plus I'm not a big fan of the brainwashing type of training they do and how they seem to want to change soldiers' perspective on the world. I really feel as if their goal is to create human machines, and as an uber-empathetic, very emotional, creative teacher/ lawyer, I object!

He walked me to my car, popped my back (good stuff), and gave me a hug. I'm sure we'll talk again (he's still in the running per se), but I'm pretty sure Suitor #4 is going to fall into the "guy friend" category.

No harm, no foul.

Suitor #1 PS

I'm realizing now I've left out two pieces of info regarding Suitor #1, both in the negative category:

1. On the way to our (third) date, he played me a song called "Pussy and Marijuana" that he loved and was sure I'd love too. I'm not a square by any stretch of the imagination, but really?? Third date?? You're an attorney and you thought this was a judicious decision??

2. Told my dad I was going bowling and he told me to let him know how I did. So when I had a free moment between turns, I texted my dad to tell him my score in the first game (which, by the way, was unimpressive). Suitor #1 then walked up to me, noted I was texting my dad at 10:30 at night, and proceeded to remark "You're texting your dad?! What?! Do you guys have something sexual going on?!" Are you effing kidding me right now? Look, I don't know what your relationship with your dad is like, but don't try to throw some Freudian bullshit on me when 1) you've known me for 6 days and 2) any normal person would not interpret said text in that way. I resisted the urge to say anything, but made a mental check in the Suitor #1- Negative category.

This is my public display of said negative check.

Dating... argh

Suitor #1, update: So, date #3 (apparently a high stakes date)... don't tell me you already know I prefer beer when I remind you. Don't tell me you already know I'm smart when I mention my law degree. Don't make me sit outside when it's 100 degrees and I've joked sweetly that I feel like I'm going to melt.

Don't tell me that you want a definition of dating. "What does that really even mean anyway," my ass. Don't tell me that you're a mess right now and don't know what you are doing. Look, I understand that you married young and now you're single and dating is new to you, but it's not rocket science. Either you have a connection with someone, and you're open to seeing where that connection leads (even if it may be -gasp- commitment) or you don't. Don't tell me just because you're not "head over heels" for me at this particular stoplight and won't be "getting down on one knee anytime soon" means that you don't know what you're doing. Like I said, with dating, we all figure it out as we go. Either you're open to something eventually turning into a committed relationship or you're not.

Don't make sexual innuendos all night but refuse to be affectionate with me in front of your friends. Don't tell me we need to make out at the end of the night "to see if there's a spark." A spark, again, is something you either have or you don't. You ramming your tongue down my throat should not be the litmus test for "the spark."

Even if I cave, and we kiss (and it's good), don't tell me at this point that "that was a good connection." Really?! You didn't notice our connection on the other two non-make out dates?

At this point, it's up to him to make the next move. I'm not texting to say thank you. I'm not "seeing what you're up to this weekend." If you buck up and realize what could potentially be, I'll hear from you soon.

Dating again...

Suitor #1: Amazing. Stay tuned.

Suitor #2: Rode his skateboard to our date. Told me he'd split the cost of an appetizer.

Suitor #3: Wore reflective glasses and a cheap blazer. Talked about how the tax structure in Nevada is favorable for private corporations. Told me he speaks slower to "Spanish" people and "leaves out contractions" because "they are just trying to pick up the key words." (I'm a bilingual teacher.)