And, just like that, I'm back...

More comical musings from yours truly:

1) Why does the "Ocean" option on my sleep machine include seagulls? I can't sleep to your damn caw-cawing...

2) I use an air freshener at home that smells like grass. Today, when I went outside, I couldn't figure how it got so far out. Wow.

3) I hate it when I decide to make a pot of coffee and then decide I just want to go back to bed.

4) I hate it when things break in my apartment. Not because something is broken. But because that means I have to call maintenance and I'm afraid they will tell the office I'm secretly harboring a cat.

5) That pizza was amazing, but sucks trying to fit the box into a bag without ripping it.

6) Should I be flattered or sadenned that my ex-boyfriend looks just like the singer from the free credit report dot com commercials?

7) Does a horrible song ever start playing on your iTunes and you wonder "how did this shite get on here?" And then you realize that, yes, you indeed put it there.

8) Sometimes I add things I've already done to my "To Do" list just so I can have the pleasure of checking them off.

9) They say "a watched pot never boils," but how am I supposed to know when the water's boiling?

10) Forty is the new thirty and thirty is the new twenty. But I'm fairly certain that twenty is not the new ten nor ten the new zero...

11) Why does grass fertilizer have to be turqoise? Why can't it just be green?

12) Why does it take girls two minutes to poop yet it takes guys twenty?

13) One of the beautiful things about living alone is that you can lick the drops right off the juice bottle.

14) Hey, big girl. How about you NOT give me the stink eye when I'm blotting the grease off my pizza?

15) Filled out a teacher application asking if I have "interpersonal skills." Really?

16) Online training modules are so much more palatable with alcohol.

More ruminations...

Decided forty comical quips was enough for the last post, so I'm creating a new one. Enjoy and feel free to comment!

1) If Snooki's baby is a girl, I'm betting she'll come out with her legs open.

2) You give me the option of opting out of your "quick two minute survey" AFTER a call, so why don't you give me the option of opting out of the shite Muzak you play BEFORE the call?

3) Something tells me I should reconsider making major life decisions with my "Magic 8-Ball" app.

4) I don't know what's worse: the fact that the "Game On" song promoting Santorum is stuck in my head or the fact I'm willing to admit it's actually a pretty catchy tune.

5) I hate it when my cat farts and doesn't claim ownership for it.

6) Yesterday, during a job interview, I actually found myself uttering the phrase "And I really like the opportunities for extra professional development." WTF?!

7) Not gonna lie, but that cute little hipster couple in the Subaru ads totally makes me want a Subaru.

8) Sometimes, when I'm feeling fancy, I cook my ramen noodles "al dente."

9) At some point, we've all told ourselves "he's cute in the darkness."

10) Admit it. We've all imagined hooking up to Enigma.

11) Hey, guy next to me in traffic: If you're gonna pick your nose and then proceed to EAT your booger, at least wait until there's not someone directly beside you. Thanks and PS: You're gross.

12) Look co-worker, I realize you're in your uber-late 30's and desperate to have a baby ASAP. But that doesn't mean I want to hear about your "eggs popping" every single lunch break and, yes, I'm fairly confident I speak for all of us on this matter.

13) Continuing with the baby theme: Look, I barely know you, new co-worker, and while I realize your baby is due any minute now, I really don't think the entire break room really wants daily updates on exactly how dilated you are. Just let me eat my Lean Cuisine in peace, please, without updates on how much your va-jay-jay is expanding. Thanks.

14) Imagine sharting on a date. It hasn't happened to me yet, but with my luck in dating, it's probably only a matter of time.

15) And speaking of poo: You know the times when you really need another roll of toilet paper? Yup, that's pretty much always the time you realize you are completely out.

16) Six things you're guaranteed to find lots of in any small town, cutesy boutique: 1) zebra/ leopard prints, 2) lime green, 3) hot pink, 4) rhinestones, 5) grosgrain ribbon (the cheerleader bow kind), and 6) that damn curlicue font. Usually all together.

17) Whenever I feel like my place is getting too messy, I watch an episode of "Hoarders" to make me feel better.

18) Drove past a billboard that said "Going to HELL? Call a local Christian church today." Really, guys? How's that Jesus marketing campaign working out for you? Do lots of people drive by and think to themselves, "Shit! Thanks for the reminder on the whole Hell thing! I'm calling a church as soon as I get home!"

19) Today's youth need to learn that "Why aren't you married yet?" is not an appropriate question to ask everyone over the age of 25ish without a “ring on it.” They've somewhat learned not to ask a woman who has gained weight if they're preggers, so what's the holdup on this one?

20) Dear Pregnant Coworker: If we could minimize the talk about your cervix over lunch, that would be great.

21) Dear Potential Employer: Seriously? You only accept .html and .pdf files? It's 2012. When you planning on getting fancy and starting to accept those .doc files?

22) Caught one of my students sleeping, so I called his name and told him to wake up. Then, without skipping a beat, he popped up and said: "I wasn't sleeping; I was reminiscing about all the good times we've had in this class." Well played, kid. Well played.

23) There's nothing worse than teaching a room full of high schoolers and having the feeling that you could very well shart at any given moment.

24) Even though I know the number "0" is technically "zero," I will forever refer to it as "oh." What can I say... I guess I'm an "oh" fan.


25) A boy asked a girl to Prom in my class yesterday. I played their favorite song as he got down on one knee, gave her a dozen red roses, and officially asked her. So chivalry isn't dead somewhere... and that somewhere is effing high school. Damn.

Comical thoughts...

Just some products of my constant ruminating...

1) I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment every time I talk to a customer service representative and I am NOT asked to take "a quick two minute survey."

2) I know you're really excited or really curious, but one exclamation point or one question mark will suffice. Thanks.

3) Whenever people say "I don't watch TV," it's almost inevitable there's a tone of superiority in their voice.

4) I'm fairly certain men are the only people who buy 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.

5) The purpose of my giving you permission to get a girl's number was only so we'd have her as a potential threesome partner. You dating her and dropping me down to "friend" status after dating her (without me) for less one week was never part of the equation. I'm not your dating service when I'm dating you, d-bag.

6) Hey, thanks for waiting until AFTER we decide to become boyfriend/ girlfriend (albeit the same night) to tell me that you were institutionalized for being severely delusional.

7) My "Coexist" sticker was stolen off my car. Way to represent yourself, uber-Christians. Were you absent the Sunday they preached about Jesus and "Thou Shalt Not Steal"? Because stealing a sticker that promotes religious tolerance off of someone else's property makes Christians look really awesome.

8) What if he WERE Romeo in black jeans?

9) I wonder if the guys from Fastball ever realized that "You're an Ocean," when sung, sounds exactly like "Urine Ocean."

10) I know we all wish we could "Rent a Boyfriend," but does anyone else want to "Rent a Baby/ Toddler"?

11) I often wonder just how long I should leave the bathroom fan on after dropping a deuce.

12) A cop pulled me over for speeding and actually told me I needed to "slow my roll." I so wanted to tell that she was not, in fact, on Reno 911.

13) When you're unemployed, you never know what day of the week it is.

14) Chapstick Fairy, I am done playing games with you.

15) The only bad thing about those little (yet strong) 8 oz. beers? They don't make koozies small enough for them.

16) Why is "no Canadian bacon" on my Egg McMuffin so incomprehensible?

17) Straight guys should not have small dogs or Mini Coopers. My ex-boyfriend had both. Damn.

18) Cupid, I hope one of those arrows backfires and shoots you in the ass.

19) Why isn't the word "marital" "marrigal"?

20) I'm still waiting to see that group of tailgaters in their Forever Lazys.

21) Lifting one cheek off the chair when you fart just makes it more obvious that you're letting an SBD rip.

22) I'm still waiting to see a group of people tailgating in their Forever Lazys.

23) I make myself feel better by using a paper towel as a plate because I'm not using another paper towel as a napkin. You know, being green and all that.

24) You know your dating life is pretty awesome when you take a mass singles survey and they choose to publish your response to the "describe some of your worst dates ever" question.

25) Sleeping with Brook every night is pretty awesome. So much better than Dockside or Ocean.

26) I felt bad for the handicapped person who left a note on my car informing me I had parked in a handicapped spot, because... what if it's their hand that's handicapped?

27) Lately, I've been getting emails advertising amazing Spring Break destinations and deals. I'm 32 and no longer get a Spring Break, but thanks for reminding me assholes.

28) The best thing about sitting next to an infant or a toddler on a plane? It's not that they're cute and you can make funny faces at them to entertain yourself. It's that you can fart silently and everyone will just assume the kid has a poopy diaper.

29) When did "trending" become a verb? Did I miss something... or I am just getting old?

30) Should I be flattered or saddened that my ex-boyfriend looks exactly like the lead musician on the freecreditreport dot com commercials?