1) If Snooki's baby is a girl, I'm betting she'll come out with her legs open.
2) You give me the option of opting out of your "quick two minute survey" AFTER a call, so why don't you give me the option of opting out of the shite Muzak you play BEFORE the call?
3) Something tells me I should reconsider making major life decisions with my "Magic 8-Ball" app.
4) I don't know what's worse: the fact that the "Game On" song promoting Santorum is stuck in my head or the fact I'm willing to admit it's actually a pretty catchy tune.
5) I hate it when my cat farts and doesn't claim ownership for it.
6) Yesterday, during a job interview, I actually found myself uttering the phrase "And I really like the opportunities for extra professional development." WTF?!
7) Not gonna lie, but that cute little hipster couple in the Subaru ads totally makes me want a Subaru.
8) Sometimes, when I'm feeling fancy, I cook my ramen noodles "al dente."
9) At some point, we've all told ourselves "he's cute in the darkness."
10) Admit it. We've all imagined hooking up to Enigma.
11) Hey, guy next to me in traffic: If you're gonna pick your nose and then proceed to EAT your booger, at least wait until there's not someone directly beside you. Thanks and PS: You're gross.
12) Look co-worker, I realize you're in your uber-late 30's and desperate to have a baby ASAP. But that doesn't mean I want to hear about your "eggs popping" every single lunch break and, yes, I'm fairly confident I speak for all of us on this matter.
13) Continuing with the baby theme: Look, I barely know you, new co-worker, and while I realize your baby is due any minute now, I really don't think the entire break room really wants daily updates on exactly how dilated you are. Just let me eat my Lean Cuisine in peace, please, without updates on how much your va-jay-jay is expanding. Thanks.
14) Imagine sharting on a date. It hasn't happened to me yet, but with my luck in dating, it's probably only a matter of time.
15) And speaking of poo: You know the times when you really need another roll of toilet paper? Yup, that's pretty much always the time you realize you are completely out.
16) Six things you're guaranteed to find lots of in any small town, cutesy boutique: 1) zebra/ leopard prints, 2) lime green, 3) hot pink, 4) rhinestones, 5) grosgrain ribbon (the cheerleader bow kind), and 6) that damn curlicue font. Usually all together.
17) Whenever I feel like my place is getting too messy, I watch an episode of "Hoarders" to make me feel better.
18) Drove past a billboard that said "Going to HELL? Call a local Christian church today." Really, guys? How's that Jesus marketing campaign working out for you? Do lots of people drive by and think to themselves, "Shit! Thanks for the reminder on the whole Hell thing! I'm calling a church as soon as I get home!"
19) Today's youth need to learn that "Why aren't you married yet?" is not an appropriate question to ask everyone over the age of 25ish without a “ring on it.” They've somewhat learned not to ask a woman who has gained weight if they're preggers, so what's the holdup on this one?
20) Dear Pregnant Coworker: If we could minimize the talk about your cervix over lunch, that would be great.
21) Dear Potential Employer: Seriously? You only accept .html and .pdf files? It's 2012. When you planning on getting fancy and starting to accept those .doc files?
22) Caught one of my students sleeping, so I called his name and told him to wake up. Then, without skipping a beat, he popped up and said: "I wasn't sleeping; I was reminiscing about all the good times we've had in this class." Well played, kid. Well played.
23) There's nothing worse than teaching a room full of high schoolers and having the feeling that you could very well shart at any given moment.
24) Even though I know the number "0" is technically "zero," I will forever refer to it as "oh." What can I say... I guess I'm an "oh" fan.
25) A boy asked a girl to Prom in my class yesterday. I played their favorite song as he got down on one knee, gave her a dozen red roses, and officially asked her. So chivalry isn't dead somewhere... and that somewhere is effing high school. Damn.
25) A boy asked a girl to Prom in my class yesterday. I played their favorite song as he got down on one knee, gave her a dozen red roses, and officially asked her. So chivalry isn't dead somewhere... and that somewhere is effing high school. Damn.
