Just some products of my constant ruminating...
2) I know you're really excited or really curious, but one exclamation point or one question mark will suffice. Thanks.
3) Whenever people say "I don't watch TV," it's almost inevitable there's a tone of superiority in their voice.
4) I'm fairly certain men are the only people who buy 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
5) The purpose of my giving you permission to get a girl's number was only so we'd have her as a potential threesome partner. You dating her and dropping me down to "friend" status after dating her (without me) for less one week was never part of the equation. I'm not your dating service when I'm dating you, d-bag.
6) Hey, thanks for waiting until AFTER we decide to become boyfriend/ girlfriend (albeit the same night) to tell me that you were institutionalized for being severely delusional.
7) My "Coexist" sticker was stolen off my car. Way to represent yourself, uber-Christians. Were you absent the Sunday they preached about Jesus and "Thou Shalt Not Steal"? Because stealing a sticker that promotes religious tolerance off of someone else's property makes Christians look really awesome.
8) What if he WERE Romeo in black jeans?
9) I wonder if the guys from Fastball ever realized that "You're an Ocean," when sung, sounds exactly like "Urine Ocean."
10) I know we all wish we could "Rent a Boyfriend," but does anyone else want to "Rent a Baby/ Toddler"?
11) I often wonder just how long I should leave the bathroom fan on after dropping a deuce.
12) A cop pulled me over for speeding and actually told me I needed to "slow my roll." I so wanted to tell that she was not, in fact, on Reno 911.
13) When you're unemployed, you never know what day of the week it is.
14) Chapstick Fairy, I am done playing games with you.
15) The only bad thing about those little (yet strong) 8 oz. beers? They don't make koozies small enough for them.
16) Why is "no Canadian bacon" on my Egg McMuffin so incomprehensible?
17) Straight guys should not have small dogs or Mini Coopers. My ex-boyfriend had both. Damn.
18) Cupid, I hope one of those arrows backfires and shoots you in the ass.
19) Why isn't the word "marital" "marrigal"?
20) I'm still waiting to see that group of tailgaters in their Forever Lazys.
21) Lifting one cheek off the chair when you fart just makes it more obvious that you're letting an SBD rip.
22) I'm still waiting to see a group of people tailgating in their Forever Lazys.
23) I make myself feel better by using a paper towel as a plate because I'm not using another paper towel as a napkin. You know, being green and all that.
24) You know your dating life is pretty awesome when you take a mass singles survey and they choose to publish your response to the "describe some of your worst dates ever" question.
25) Sleeping with Brook every night is pretty awesome. So much better than Dockside or Ocean.
26) I felt bad for the handicapped person who left a note on my car informing me I had parked in a handicapped spot, because... what if it's their hand that's handicapped?
27) Lately, I've been getting emails advertising amazing Spring Break destinations and deals. I'm 32 and no longer get a Spring Break, but thanks for reminding me assholes.
28) The best thing about sitting next to an infant or a toddler on a plane? It's not that they're cute and you can make funny faces at them to entertain yourself. It's that you can fart silently and everyone will just assume the kid has a poopy diaper.
29) When did "trending" become a verb? Did I miss something... or I am just getting old?
30) Should I be flattered or saddened that my ex-boyfriend looks exactly like the lead musician on the freecreditreport dot com commercials?
