Another gem of an article name...

"COPING
WITH SINGLE-HOOD
AS A WOMAN IN YOUR THIRTIES"

Over 30 and single? Obviously, you can't be happy.

by Megan Carpentier

jezebel.com

[emphasis added]

Dr. Pam Spurr is apparently a shitty therapist, because there's no other way to explain her Daily Male, I mean, Daily Mail column "Forget This Tosh About 'Freemales' - Single Women Who Say They Are Happy Are Lying." The title alone makes me want to shake her, but reading it, oh dear God, reading it made me realize that she also needs to lose her license to treat her patients and be shaken by the shoulders until the stupid falls out. Why is it that some people — usually women — think that the only path to personal fulfillment is at the end of an aisle?

Anyway, so the "evidence" cited by Dr. Pam that all single women of a certain age (mine) are unhappy is that they come into her office and tell her they are. They're denying biology! They're denying thousands of years of civilization and 30+ years of socialization that couplehood is the only way to go! And, less obviously to the Not Good Doctor, they're sitting in the chair of a judgmental and uninsightful therapist whose goal is to help them get coupled with someone so they can be happy.

What's really going on behind that confident demeanour [of a single woman that declares herself to be happy]and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.
Single women become adept at playing the isn't-life-grand game.
They have to do it around men so they don't appear desperate.

One thing that Pam misses is that by relying on her patients — who are seeing a therapist because they are unhappy, great self-selection in your unbiased sample, Pam — she's talking to women who are actually unhappy about it, but that doesn't mean the rest of us are. And, um, to a woman, they all admit that they spend a great deal of time and energy pretending not to be unhappy because to admit to their actual feelings would be too humiliating. So rather then, I don't know, talking to these women about how to openly express their actual feelings to people they care about, or counseling them that constantly feeling like "a fraud" and "putting on a facade" isn't emotionally healthy, she helps them get boyfriends. That's obviously the solution to your life's problems, and God knows, entering into a relationship when you have so much trouble acknowledging your feelings and expressing them to the people that care about you is totes a good idea.

As far as I'm concerned, there's a reason the phrase "settling down" contains the word "settling," and that reason has a hell of a lot to do with the divorce rate. There's this social drum beat to marry, marry, marry that I think many women (and men) mistake for their supposed biological clock, and so they run off and pick the most likely candidate and off to the Grown Up Races they go. You know what really sucks? What makes a woman really, really, really unhappy? A fucked up relationship. I've found that you can actually be lonelier in an unhappy relationship with someone than being single.

And I'm single, and I'm not unhappy about it. I'm single because last year I ended a 4-year relationship in which I was so deeply unhappy and so deeply unfulfilled that I'd actually sunk into a deep depression that required therapy. Did getting out of that relationship suck? Yes. I spent as much time crying in my wine after it was over as I did before it ended. Am I "happy" now? I am no longer desperately unhappy and, for someone who suffers from depression, that's a pretty decent start. I am happy to not be miserably coupled. Do I regret being single? Not at all. I'm not defensive about my status, or my age, I'm not inwardly seething at weddings except when there's no more booze to be had (or none to be found) and, in fact, I'm planning on strapping on some extremely cute shoes in September to serve as a bridesmaid in my younger sister's wedding and to flirt with the photographer my mom's told me is extremely attractive and single. And I won't have a date, and I'll be happy about it, because someone needs to flirt with cute wedding photographers and I hear boyfriends frown on that.

ha ha... can you imagine saying this to someone?!

From an online dating article about how to tell someone you're not interested. Can you imagine saying this to someone as it's written?

If you need some help with the actual words you use, here's a good place to start: "This is not easy for me to say, and perhaps it won't be easy for you to hear. But in spite of the good times/conversations we've shared, I've come to the conclusion that it's best not to continue dating. You're a wonderful person with many great qualities. But I am looking for someone who matches with my unique interests, goals and personality in a different way. I certainly hope you can understand because I enjoyed meeting you and wish you the best. I just know I am not the right person for you and want you to find the one that is."

someone with potential... at last

Wow. So just when I was getting uber-disillusioned with this whole thing, I actually meet someone with potential. We met for dinner. He pulled out my seat for me. The conversation flowed. We have so much in common. He payed for dinner. He bought the beer for the movie. He bought chairs for the outdoor movie (one of which turned out to be a kiddie chair by mistake... ha ha... I offered to sit in the little one and let him have the grown-up chair but he wanted me to have the bigger one... so sweet... and a great first date story if something ever develops between us). He walked me to my car in the parking garage. I drove him to his car and told him thank you. He thanked me for a wonderful evening and gave me a... hug. I try not to kiss on the first date but I absolutely would have this time. But this is good. Means there is more build-up for next time. And there will be a next time, as he emailed me this morning to say thank you again and that our evening was so full of laughter and good conversation and he would love to see me again. I said I agreed.

Now I'm about to get picked up for dinner with Military Guy. Not feeling it at all. But figured it would be bad date karma to cancel. He's upping his game... finally. He created an evite for our date and sent it to me. He's the host and I'm the only guest. Cute. The event is called "40 3rd Dates" because every time we hang out it's like another third date. I don't really think tonight will change that, sushi or no sushi. I even thought about trying not to look cute, but that's just too hard for me. Ha ha. I could pull a "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and try to sabotage things?? Hmm... he's almost here. Must put last night's guy in the back of my mind... which is proving to be quite difficult. More later.

Suitor update... argh

I've forgotten which suitor is which number at this point and I'm getting a bit disillusioned with the whole online dating thing, so bare with me. Cute attorney and I have decided to just be friends. He doesn't know what he's doing, what he wants, blah blah blah. But I know enough to know that if you recognized what an amazing woman I am and you were ready to get into a relationship, you would know what you want. So don't think I'm going to hook up with you after you make it clear you're just bumbling around the dating world having fun post-divorce at age 32 like some college freshman given freedom for the first time. I'm a smart girl. And the full package. So I have options. But thanks for the match.com recommendation. And maybe I'll let you be my wingman in the future.

Military guy. Argh. Keep giving him more chances. Not feeling it but I'm too nice to let him down. I crashed at his house a few weeks ago after a night out, so now I feel guilty and keep trying to create something that's not there. Last date? Outdoor music event. Told me he'd bring chairs and didn't. Not cool when your date is wearing a dress and it has rained recently. Happy hour last week? I put my card down because I arrived first. When we were tabbing out, the waitress asked if I wanted to put it on my card and I said yes, not wanting to say no and assuming he'd pay. I was hoping he'd say something, but he didn't. So when the check came, I thought maybe he'd leave the tip. But no such luck. And to add insult to injury, he asked me to drive him to his car (in the same parking lot) and didn't offer to get food with me after I talked all night about how I needed to eat something. But we're going out again Monday night. I really hope he screws up royally so I can feel better about walking away. Plus, he has the personality of a piece of milquetoast and I'm a freaking firecracker. I can't carry the personality load for both of us. Sorry, sir.