Another gem of an article name...

"COPING
WITH SINGLE-HOOD
AS A WOMAN IN YOUR THIRTIES"

Over 30 and single? Obviously, you can't be happy.

by Megan Carpentier

jezebel.com

[emphasis added]

Dr. Pam Spurr is apparently a shitty therapist, because there's no other way to explain her Daily Male, I mean, Daily Mail column "Forget This Tosh About 'Freemales' - Single Women Who Say They Are Happy Are Lying." The title alone makes me want to shake her, but reading it, oh dear God, reading it made me realize that she also needs to lose her license to treat her patients and be shaken by the shoulders until the stupid falls out. Why is it that some people — usually women — think that the only path to personal fulfillment is at the end of an aisle?

Anyway, so the "evidence" cited by Dr. Pam that all single women of a certain age (mine) are unhappy is that they come into her office and tell her they are. They're denying biology! They're denying thousands of years of civilization and 30+ years of socialization that couplehood is the only way to go! And, less obviously to the Not Good Doctor, they're sitting in the chair of a judgmental and uninsightful therapist whose goal is to help them get coupled with someone so they can be happy.

What's really going on behind that confident demeanour [of a single woman that declares herself to be happy]and fulfilled exterior is crushing loneliness and desperation.
Single women become adept at playing the isn't-life-grand game.
They have to do it around men so they don't appear desperate.

One thing that Pam misses is that by relying on her patients — who are seeing a therapist because they are unhappy, great self-selection in your unbiased sample, Pam — she's talking to women who are actually unhappy about it, but that doesn't mean the rest of us are. And, um, to a woman, they all admit that they spend a great deal of time and energy pretending not to be unhappy because to admit to their actual feelings would be too humiliating. So rather then, I don't know, talking to these women about how to openly express their actual feelings to people they care about, or counseling them that constantly feeling like "a fraud" and "putting on a facade" isn't emotionally healthy, she helps them get boyfriends. That's obviously the solution to your life's problems, and God knows, entering into a relationship when you have so much trouble acknowledging your feelings and expressing them to the people that care about you is totes a good idea.

As far as I'm concerned, there's a reason the phrase "settling down" contains the word "settling," and that reason has a hell of a lot to do with the divorce rate. There's this social drum beat to marry, marry, marry that I think many women (and men) mistake for their supposed biological clock, and so they run off and pick the most likely candidate and off to the Grown Up Races they go. You know what really sucks? What makes a woman really, really, really unhappy? A fucked up relationship. I've found that you can actually be lonelier in an unhappy relationship with someone than being single.

And I'm single, and I'm not unhappy about it. I'm single because last year I ended a 4-year relationship in which I was so deeply unhappy and so deeply unfulfilled that I'd actually sunk into a deep depression that required therapy. Did getting out of that relationship suck? Yes. I spent as much time crying in my wine after it was over as I did before it ended. Am I "happy" now? I am no longer desperately unhappy and, for someone who suffers from depression, that's a pretty decent start. I am happy to not be miserably coupled. Do I regret being single? Not at all. I'm not defensive about my status, or my age, I'm not inwardly seething at weddings except when there's no more booze to be had (or none to be found) and, in fact, I'm planning on strapping on some extremely cute shoes in September to serve as a bridesmaid in my younger sister's wedding and to flirt with the photographer my mom's told me is extremely attractive and single. And I won't have a date, and I'll be happy about it, because someone needs to flirt with cute wedding photographers and I hear boyfriends frown on that.

ha ha... can you imagine saying this to someone?!

From an online dating article about how to tell someone you're not interested. Can you imagine saying this to someone as it's written?

If you need some help with the actual words you use, here's a good place to start: "This is not easy for me to say, and perhaps it won't be easy for you to hear. But in spite of the good times/conversations we've shared, I've come to the conclusion that it's best not to continue dating. You're a wonderful person with many great qualities. But I am looking for someone who matches with my unique interests, goals and personality in a different way. I certainly hope you can understand because I enjoyed meeting you and wish you the best. I just know I am not the right person for you and want you to find the one that is."

someone with potential... at last

Wow. So just when I was getting uber-disillusioned with this whole thing, I actually meet someone with potential. We met for dinner. He pulled out my seat for me. The conversation flowed. We have so much in common. He payed for dinner. He bought the beer for the movie. He bought chairs for the outdoor movie (one of which turned out to be a kiddie chair by mistake... ha ha... I offered to sit in the little one and let him have the grown-up chair but he wanted me to have the bigger one... so sweet... and a great first date story if something ever develops between us). He walked me to my car in the parking garage. I drove him to his car and told him thank you. He thanked me for a wonderful evening and gave me a... hug. I try not to kiss on the first date but I absolutely would have this time. But this is good. Means there is more build-up for next time. And there will be a next time, as he emailed me this morning to say thank you again and that our evening was so full of laughter and good conversation and he would love to see me again. I said I agreed.

Now I'm about to get picked up for dinner with Military Guy. Not feeling it at all. But figured it would be bad date karma to cancel. He's upping his game... finally. He created an evite for our date and sent it to me. He's the host and I'm the only guest. Cute. The event is called "40 3rd Dates" because every time we hang out it's like another third date. I don't really think tonight will change that, sushi or no sushi. I even thought about trying not to look cute, but that's just too hard for me. Ha ha. I could pull a "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" and try to sabotage things?? Hmm... he's almost here. Must put last night's guy in the back of my mind... which is proving to be quite difficult. More later.

Suitor update... argh

I've forgotten which suitor is which number at this point and I'm getting a bit disillusioned with the whole online dating thing, so bare with me. Cute attorney and I have decided to just be friends. He doesn't know what he's doing, what he wants, blah blah blah. But I know enough to know that if you recognized what an amazing woman I am and you were ready to get into a relationship, you would know what you want. So don't think I'm going to hook up with you after you make it clear you're just bumbling around the dating world having fun post-divorce at age 32 like some college freshman given freedom for the first time. I'm a smart girl. And the full package. So I have options. But thanks for the match.com recommendation. And maybe I'll let you be my wingman in the future.

Military guy. Argh. Keep giving him more chances. Not feeling it but I'm too nice to let him down. I crashed at his house a few weeks ago after a night out, so now I feel guilty and keep trying to create something that's not there. Last date? Outdoor music event. Told me he'd bring chairs and didn't. Not cool when your date is wearing a dress and it has rained recently. Happy hour last week? I put my card down because I arrived first. When we were tabbing out, the waitress asked if I wanted to put it on my card and I said yes, not wanting to say no and assuming he'd pay. I was hoping he'd say something, but he didn't. So when the check came, I thought maybe he'd leave the tip. But no such luck. And to add insult to injury, he asked me to drive him to his car (in the same parking lot) and didn't offer to get food with me after I talked all night about how I needed to eat something. But we're going out again Monday night. I really hope he screws up royally so I can feel better about walking away. Plus, he has the personality of a piece of milquetoast and I'm a freaking firecracker. I can't carry the personality load for both of us. Sorry, sir.

epiphany

I can tell just by looking at your "head shot" if you're too short for me or not. I'm sitting at about a 90% accuracy rate right now. Bring it on.

mas from profiles reales...

The one thing that [game wizard] is most passionate about:ng Louis is most passionate about:

Not really passionate about anything to the point where I would consider it to be life defining. I suppose if I had to say something I would put scuba diving and board games at the top, and reading and parties (or going out of some other form).

The one thing [word creator] wishes MORE people would notice about him is: Who I am but thats to be aspected The last book [word creator] read and enjoyed: the little prince It a childerns book about the question of life

Suitor #5 Loses It

His email (and keep in mind we hung out for an hour total and I had told him before we ever met that I wasn't romantically interested in him):

I can't really remember the last time I was so disappointed. I had such high hopes. I didn't sense the depth that I would expect to be there from someone with honest intentions and a generous view of the world. Maybe its just an affectation. I know you've probably skated by on looks and stature and maybe didn't develop certain aspects of your personality but that stuff fades. And Most guys wouldn't notice anyway. Well I do. A girl can go from beautiful to ugly really quickly in my book. It was rude to not wait for me to get my coffee and it was rude to say "you made another short friend". I like a little more respect than that. I also have no desire to apart of your collection of guy friends that yearn for you. Awkward nothing you enjoy that they feel that way. I've know girls that dig that. Every once in a while one of the guy friends gets to come off the proverbial bench then it never works out. Well one day the gaggle of dudes is going to dry up. I was really hoping that we could either be good friends or that I could impress you enough to change you mind. Instead it was my mind that changed.

My reply (and I am never confrontational but this needed to be addressed):

Wow. I'm really sorry that you've chosen to view our brief meeting that way. I will not follow your lead and make personal attacks as such is not my style, but I will kindly make one recommendation (for future dates or future meetings with potential friends): please make an effort to ask questions of the other person. Have a good one- and best of luck finding what you are looking for! : )

One more thing. When I say try to ask questions of the other person as well, that means talking about yourself the entire time is not optimal. And as passionate as you are about politics, talking about it the whole time on a first meeting (or ever really) does not lend itself to the woman wanting to hang out again. Just FYI. I really do wish you the best!

(And no need to write back.)

tess

Suitor #5

Sweet guy. But he knew I just wanted to be friends from the initial email and kept pushing for more. The only reason I wrote him to begin with was that I really liked his perspective on the world. Another factor is that he's shorter than me and I don't date guys who are shorter than me (I try to stick with this as a general rule, but both of my ex-boyfriends are an inch shorter than me and Suitor #1 -who is still in first place- is also shorter than me). I even told him this.

He did bring up a good point- that he wished that I wouldn't put him in the "friend zone" for a factor that he has no control of. Good, but that doesn't change the fact that 1) I'm not attracted to you in the least, 2) your voice is high-pitched and annoying, 3) you have a huge head and wore a fedora that was too small for said head, 4) you talked about politics pretty much the whole time, and 5) you never asked me a single question about me.

So I gave him a good hour. More than Suitor #3 who I only got 20 minutes (which were 20 of the longest minutes ever). We hugged when I said goodbye. I was planning on a casual, light hug and he hugged me so hard I thought my back was going to pop. Afterwards he even said "see, I'm not that much shorter than you." Still trying... aww.

So do I archive him now and hurt his feelings? Do I try for a friendship as I said I would? All I know is that from now on I am no longer emailing guys I have no romantic interest in just because they seem like they'd be a cool friend to have.

Current tally: 5 suitors. 2 above average. 3 out of the question. Not bad, I guess??

wow. these are from actual dating profiles...

This will be an ongoing list...

Potential Suitor 1:

a) Some additional info [right wing d-bag] wanted you to know is:

If you are a vegetarian, anti-gun, or an Obama supporter, there is a good chance that we will not get along.

b) The things [right wing d-bag] can't live without are:

Beef

Diesel

chapstick & sun glasses

ipod & sat radio

Truck

Potential Suitor 2:

If you are 5'5", I do not recommend withholding photos and choosing the "request my photo" option.

Potential Suitor 3:

a) Posing in front of an American flag, especially when you admit you photoshopped said flag into the photo, does not make you more attractive.

b) The things [pretend good 'ol boy without an appreciation for the double entendre] can't live without are: my ablity to fit 9 things in where only 5 go...

Potential Suitor #4:

The last book [creepy guy who still lives in his mom's basement] read and enjoyed:

I recently read a couple of Star Wars books, The DaVinci Code, and PIHKAL. I enjoyed each in it's own different way. Star Wars was obviously just fun. DaVinci Code had a great plot. And, PIHKAL was for work!

Potential Suitor #5:

If your job description contains the phrase "middle management," you are getting archived.

Also, "genuality" is not a word. Always good to proofread your profile for made up words. They don't make you sound smart. But then again, you are in middle management.

#6:

The last book [meathead much?] read and enjoyed:

I usually read textbooks and journals for work. Recently started reading "The Stand" though. It's sooooo long! I read a few pages, then do a couple of curls with it.

Suitor #4

Suitor #4 is currently in second place. Bless his eHarmony heart, he emailed me today and said "Did I do something wrong? I was really looking forward to meeting you." It was then I realized I had totally been ignoring him, as he was one of my "potential but back burner" guys." I told him the truth, that I had been busy. I left out the part that I was going out every night like a college kid and basically meeting a different guy from the site every day. So, on a whim, we met each other for happy hour.

Positives: 1) he's cute, 2) we can have a conversation with ease, and 3) he was gentlemanly enough to pick up the check on the first date.

Negatives: 1) I asked him about himself (and consequently he talked about himself) the whole time, 2) he never (and I mean NEVER) asked me a single thing about my background or my career, and 3) he is in the military (I've had a negative experience with dating someone in the military (a girlfriend in every city- nice!), plus I'm not a big fan of the brainwashing type of training they do and how they seem to want to change soldiers' perspective on the world. I really feel as if their goal is to create human machines, and as an uber-empathetic, very emotional, creative teacher/ lawyer, I object!

He walked me to my car, popped my back (good stuff), and gave me a hug. I'm sure we'll talk again (he's still in the running per se), but I'm pretty sure Suitor #4 is going to fall into the "guy friend" category.

No harm, no foul.

Suitor #1 PS

I'm realizing now I've left out two pieces of info regarding Suitor #1, both in the negative category:

1. On the way to our (third) date, he played me a song called "Pussy and Marijuana" that he loved and was sure I'd love too. I'm not a square by any stretch of the imagination, but really?? Third date?? You're an attorney and you thought this was a judicious decision??

2. Told my dad I was going bowling and he told me to let him know how I did. So when I had a free moment between turns, I texted my dad to tell him my score in the first game (which, by the way, was unimpressive). Suitor #1 then walked up to me, noted I was texting my dad at 10:30 at night, and proceeded to remark "You're texting your dad?! What?! Do you guys have something sexual going on?!" Are you effing kidding me right now? Look, I don't know what your relationship with your dad is like, but don't try to throw some Freudian bullshit on me when 1) you've known me for 6 days and 2) any normal person would not interpret said text in that way. I resisted the urge to say anything, but made a mental check in the Suitor #1- Negative category.

This is my public display of said negative check.

Dating... argh

Suitor #1, update: So, date #3 (apparently a high stakes date)... don't tell me you already know I prefer beer when I remind you. Don't tell me you already know I'm smart when I mention my law degree. Don't make me sit outside when it's 100 degrees and I've joked sweetly that I feel like I'm going to melt.

Don't tell me that you want a definition of dating. "What does that really even mean anyway," my ass. Don't tell me that you're a mess right now and don't know what you are doing. Look, I understand that you married young and now you're single and dating is new to you, but it's not rocket science. Either you have a connection with someone, and you're open to seeing where that connection leads (even if it may be -gasp- commitment) or you don't. Don't tell me just because you're not "head over heels" for me at this particular stoplight and won't be "getting down on one knee anytime soon" means that you don't know what you're doing. Like I said, with dating, we all figure it out as we go. Either you're open to something eventually turning into a committed relationship or you're not.

Don't make sexual innuendos all night but refuse to be affectionate with me in front of your friends. Don't tell me we need to make out at the end of the night "to see if there's a spark." A spark, again, is something you either have or you don't. You ramming your tongue down my throat should not be the litmus test for "the spark."

Even if I cave, and we kiss (and it's good), don't tell me at this point that "that was a good connection." Really?! You didn't notice our connection on the other two non-make out dates?

At this point, it's up to him to make the next move. I'm not texting to say thank you. I'm not "seeing what you're up to this weekend." If you buck up and realize what could potentially be, I'll hear from you soon.

Dating again...

Suitor #1: Amazing. Stay tuned.

Suitor #2: Rode his skateboard to our date. Told me he'd split the cost of an appetizer.

Suitor #3: Wore reflective glasses and a cheap blazer. Talked about how the tax structure in Nevada is favorable for private corporations. Told me he speaks slower to "Spanish" people and "leaves out contractions" because "they are just trying to pick up the key words." (I'm a bilingual teacher.)

My first big breakup...

I love this toothpaste he introduced me to.

I loved his dog.

I couldn't stand that he was shorter than me.

I loved his family. Well, most of his family.

I couldn't stand that he didn't have a job.

I loved the paintings he painted me.

I was frustrated that he wasn't as affectionate in public as me.

I hate the fact that breakups also mean losing your best friend.

I love the song he wrote for me.

I love the letter he wrote me for my birthday.

I hate that that was pretty much the only sweet letter or card he ever wrote me in ten months.

I love his silly voice.

I hate that he tells me he's looking for jobs when really he's sleeping all day.

I love how much he told me he loved me.

I hate how he criticized me for trying to excel at too many things.

I love the CDs we made each other every month.

I hate that he told me this month was probably a double CD and now I won't get it.

I love his crazy, curly hair.

I wish his lips had more depth.

I love his Buddy Holly glasses.

I hate that I never got flowers once. In ten months.

I hate that my birthday gift was a photo in a frame we got at a white elephant party.

I love that sometimes he folded my laundry.

I love that sometimes he packed my lunch and put a little note on the counter that said "Check the fridge. xoxo."

I love love.

But I hate this part.

my first year teaching...

Quote of the day today... I asked one of my students how his 5th grade year with a first year teacher went and he said: "Good and bad, good because we had a lot of fun and bad because sometimes you forgot things, like to take us to P.E."

I love the fact that, at our fifth grade talent show today, I got more excited about the mariachi dance than the Justin Bieber routine.

I love the fact they made menus for our end of the year party.

I love the fact they made tablecloths out of butcher paper and confetti out of construction paper.

I love the fact they set Capri Suns at each spot, ready and waiting for the festivities.

I love how they laughed at me when the chips I considered spicy turned out to be chips they considered mild.

I love how they cheered when I surprised them with pizza.

I love how a handful of my students are sentimental like me. "We started the year in this room, and we end the year in this room," she said. "Exactly," I replied, "it's like a circle." "Except you won't be our teacher next time around," she responded, more poignant than she knows.

I love how their mariachi music is on my itunes and how it plays when itunes is on random. And how I know the words.

I love how my students are used to my crying. Today I overheard one of them say, "Ms. Smith is crying again," almost matter of factly.

I hate how my favorite student was the one who had to leave first. And how I lost it.

I hate how my students ask me if I'll be there next year, and I honestly don't know.

I hate how I've spent so much time with these kids and now -all of the sudden- I don't get to see them everyday anymore.

I hate that the reason other teachers came by our end of the year party is because they "heard there are tamales." First time you've stepped foot in my classroom... last day of school... and now you want a homemade tamale made by one of my students' parents, with love, for our end of the year party? Nice.

I hate the fact that my kids still don't clean up after themselves.

I love the fact some of their parents offered to help me clean up without being asked.

I hate how just stopping to think about them makes me tear up. Or maybe I love that because it shows that they made an impact on me. I can only hope I've done the same for them.

ruminations

Why isn't the word marital marrigal?

I want to perform in a flash mob.

School lunches are a travesty.

Teachers become jaded very quickly. I will not be one of them.

A red carpet and fake paparazzi at a party makes everything better.

Having a mail girl deliver secret notes you write to other guests makes it even better.

I'm a sucker for a themed party. Last night, I dressed as Lady Gaga and it was a hit. Maybe I'll be her more often.

I'm hoping one day I'll open my front door to go to work and find flowers and a sweet note. I'm not holding my breath.

Why do some people say the word "lawyer" like "loy-yer"?

Forty is the new thirty, making thirty the new twenty. Twenty, however, is not the new ten... nor ten the new zero.

I'm looking into teaching in New Zealand. Think it would be a good fit for me. They rate themselves as happier and spend more time doing leisurely activities than working. And the workforce is balanced 50/50 male/female.

If it's not due tomorrow, I probably won't do it until it is.

admin rant

I think the new name for administrators should be fun-killers. It's as though they are so concerned with covering their asses by dotting every i and crossing every t that they forget about the reason we are there: the kids. Today I let a student have a birthday party in my room during Friday free time and --because the student had a list of people she wanted to be there- this administrator took that as meaning it was an "exclusive party." She told me it was unacceptable, because we're trying to create "a welcoming environment." If you knew this person, you would understand why this is so ironic. She is one of the most hard-nosed, cold, non-caring, non-compassionate, non-empathetic people I have ever met. Until recently, she didn't say "good morning" back to her staff who said good morning to her. She only started responding when someone told her that replying to the people who work for her --who give their heart and soul to the students at her school for about half her salary- would be a nice gesture. Have any of us ever gotten a "great job" or a "keep up the good work..." Not that I've seen. Way to create a welcoming environment for the staff, seriously. A content batch of teachers makes for better teaching. We're not asking for diamonds and pearls. Maybe a note in our mailbox every once in awhile letting us know if we're doing a good job or if we've improved. It's not rocket science. So what am I going to do? I'm going to actually make the encouraging notes for her and suggest she use them. Stay tuned...

more on testing...

I could not loathe standardized testing anymore than I do right now. It's as if schools are operating with the mentality that the goal is to squash all individuality and creativity as young as possible. Children do not all learn the same way- why should we test them all the same way? It's not rocket science. Our "high stakes test" is tomorrow and we have to cover everything in the halls and the classrooms with butcher paper. We have to take the clocks off the walls. We even have to take the alphabet off of the wall. Heaven forbid a student see how to write a cursive a, b, c, or d... that may give them an unfair advantage. And curse the teacher who leaves an encouraging poster within view. We don't want those kids feeling good about themselves. And bringing your own snacks or even water? Forget about it. One of our administrators actually told us the risk was too great that the water could spill on one of the precious standardized tests to warrant letting students bring water. In bottles. And bringing your own snacks? Don't even think about it. You will eat what we give you. If you don't like it, tough. Wouldn't it make more sense -for the students and the schools who value these scores so much-- to ensure that students are as physically comfortable and satiated as possible while taking these tests? For the next two days, I have to administer these tests that I disagree so strongly with. I am forced to read from a script the State has given me. I may not defer from these words. Wow. Is this really America in 2010? After all we've learned about multiple intelligences and the value of creativity? Is this really the same society that claims to value "thinking outside of the box"? Could've fooled me.

significance of dreams

Dreams we have while we sleep mean something. And last night's events are a perfect example. I awoke at 4 something this morning with vivid recollections of the dream I was just having:

... I'm alone, in Central Park, wearing my current boyfriend's hoodie. For the first time in a long time, I'm comfortable being alone. I walk up to an outdoor cafe and sit at a table for two by mysef. I have two drinks -something with Bailey's-- and when the check comes I have to go to another table to borrow their pen. I choose a table of young men, and they are not very friendly. One of them watches me fill out the tip and total and makes a remark about how I'm not tipping enough, even though I'm tipping 20%. The guys leave, but I stay behind, just sitting and thinking in their booth for a bit. I look around and notice that someone has left behind a roll of blue painter's tape, the kind I use in my classroom. I think about taking it, but then decide that maybe it means something to someone and it'd be better for me to leave it. I walk away. I then realize I've left my hoodie at the table. I run back to the table and it's still there. I grab the hoodie and run off to explore Central Park...

Back to real life. I wake up with vivid recollections of this dream. I can't fall back asleep, so I decide to play on facebook. I see that one of my ex-boyfriends (and I only have two) has changed his relationship status. He's either single now or engaged now, I think to myself. Eager to find out which one it is, I click on his profile. My ex, who lives in New York City, had gotten engaged the night before. His profile picture? The two of them in Central Park.