admin rant

I think the new name for administrators should be fun-killers. It's as though they are so concerned with covering their asses by dotting every i and crossing every t that they forget about the reason we are there: the kids. Today I let a student have a birthday party in my room during Friday free time and --because the student had a list of people she wanted to be there- this administrator took that as meaning it was an "exclusive party." She told me it was unacceptable, because we're trying to create "a welcoming environment." If you knew this person, you would understand why this is so ironic. She is one of the most hard-nosed, cold, non-caring, non-compassionate, non-empathetic people I have ever met. Until recently, she didn't say "good morning" back to her staff who said good morning to her. She only started responding when someone told her that replying to the people who work for her --who give their heart and soul to the students at her school for about half her salary- would be a nice gesture. Have any of us ever gotten a "great job" or a "keep up the good work..." Not that I've seen. Way to create a welcoming environment for the staff, seriously. A content batch of teachers makes for better teaching. We're not asking for diamonds and pearls. Maybe a note in our mailbox every once in awhile letting us know if we're doing a good job or if we've improved. It's not rocket science. So what am I going to do? I'm going to actually make the encouraging notes for her and suggest she use them. Stay tuned...

more on testing...

I could not loathe standardized testing anymore than I do right now. It's as if schools are operating with the mentality that the goal is to squash all individuality and creativity as young as possible. Children do not all learn the same way- why should we test them all the same way? It's not rocket science. Our "high stakes test" is tomorrow and we have to cover everything in the halls and the classrooms with butcher paper. We have to take the clocks off the walls. We even have to take the alphabet off of the wall. Heaven forbid a student see how to write a cursive a, b, c, or d... that may give them an unfair advantage. And curse the teacher who leaves an encouraging poster within view. We don't want those kids feeling good about themselves. And bringing your own snacks or even water? Forget about it. One of our administrators actually told us the risk was too great that the water could spill on one of the precious standardized tests to warrant letting students bring water. In bottles. And bringing your own snacks? Don't even think about it. You will eat what we give you. If you don't like it, tough. Wouldn't it make more sense -for the students and the schools who value these scores so much-- to ensure that students are as physically comfortable and satiated as possible while taking these tests? For the next two days, I have to administer these tests that I disagree so strongly with. I am forced to read from a script the State has given me. I may not defer from these words. Wow. Is this really America in 2010? After all we've learned about multiple intelligences and the value of creativity? Is this really the same society that claims to value "thinking outside of the box"? Could've fooled me.

significance of dreams

Dreams we have while we sleep mean something. And last night's events are a perfect example. I awoke at 4 something this morning with vivid recollections of the dream I was just having:

... I'm alone, in Central Park, wearing my current boyfriend's hoodie. For the first time in a long time, I'm comfortable being alone. I walk up to an outdoor cafe and sit at a table for two by mysef. I have two drinks -something with Bailey's-- and when the check comes I have to go to another table to borrow their pen. I choose a table of young men, and they are not very friendly. One of them watches me fill out the tip and total and makes a remark about how I'm not tipping enough, even though I'm tipping 20%. The guys leave, but I stay behind, just sitting and thinking in their booth for a bit. I look around and notice that someone has left behind a roll of blue painter's tape, the kind I use in my classroom. I think about taking it, but then decide that maybe it means something to someone and it'd be better for me to leave it. I walk away. I then realize I've left my hoodie at the table. I run back to the table and it's still there. I grab the hoodie and run off to explore Central Park...

Back to real life. I wake up with vivid recollections of this dream. I can't fall back asleep, so I decide to play on facebook. I see that one of my ex-boyfriends (and I only have two) has changed his relationship status. He's either single now or engaged now, I think to myself. Eager to find out which one it is, I click on his profile. My ex, who lives in New York City, had gotten engaged the night before. His profile picture? The two of them in Central Park.

grocery store musings

Do you think the grocery bagger man was being funny when he put the toilet paper and the prunes together... in their own bag?

I shop in a mostly minority grocery store, so I'm the minority. It's interesting, because it seems like whenever I pass another white person, it seems as though we always smile at each other. It's almost like we're smirking to each other going "this is great role reversal." I love it.

Fireman smoking = ironic.

Seems like if food is not in my freezer, it doesn't get eaten. Every time I try to be domestic and buy stuff that goes in the pantry and requires preparation, it just sits there.

Living together...

I've never had a boyfriend I've ever considered living with. Let me clarify that. I've never really had a long-term boyfriend. A relationship that was healthy and we didn't break up and get back together all the time. So now that I have that I was thinking that maybe it was time to take the plunge and live together. We're always over at each other's houses anyway, and it would save money, and it would be a way to see if we're compatible under the same roof all the time.

So... after lots of waiting around and antsy to start looking at places, I took a major leap of faith (and made myself vulnerable because I was hoping this would be HIS idea) and suggested that maybe we could look into living together. Needless to say, I was somewhat dejected when he told me that he didn't think that was such a great idea. At first, I took this as a personal affront. I'm a great catch, I thought to myself... we're in an amazing relationship... why would he NOT want to live with me?

Then I stopped freaking out and started listening. Living together, he went on, is a proven "relationship killer." Although we're both softies and think a lot with our hearts, he thinks more with his head than I do. He went on to tell me about study after study that has shown that couples who live together are more likely to never get married, and -if they do get married- are more likely to end up getting divorced. And it's not like this is coming from some right-winger. We're both extremely liberal. He values our relationship more than "testing the cohabitating waters" and he'd rather have me than money saved on rent. Yup... I'll take that.

So we've decided to each get our own places... in the same neighborhood. That way we'll each still have our own space, but we'll save time and money by not having to constantly drive back and forth from his place to mine. And if he needs to borrow a cup of sugar from me or if I want to go workout on his Wii, we can just jog over and we're set. I feel much better about this than I thought I would... and it makes me all the more excited about a potential future with him. And he brought up another really good point. He said that if you live together before you get married, nothing really changes when you do get married. "You just leave your house, go to your wedding, and come back to the same house you both lived in before," he said. Another point for non-cohabitation. I do want marriage to be an exciting next step... and moving in together into our first official place will definitely add to that.

Lesson of the story: Sometimes it really is better to stop taking things so personally and look at the evidence. Yes, head > heart... but only every once in awhile.

2.28.10

I figured out what freaks me out about marriage. Getting married is equivalent to saying "I have found what I'm looking for. I am done looking. I am off the market. Forever." I just love love too much to say that right now. I want to always be open to new love. But if I want kids I will get married. I think.

2.23.10

So I'm a teacher. And lately this unrelenting emphasis on standardized testing has really been getting to me. It's like the powers that be are absolutely content sucking all creativity and curiosity out of learning. Take out childlike wonder, working together, and laughter, and replace with memorized test "strategies," every student an island, and the notion of school as serious serious ("If you do not pass this test you will not move on to the next grade"). I'm thinking some more non-traditional educational outlet may be calling my name...

2.22.10

I'm thirty years old and I can't commit. Not to a career, not to a city, and -until recently- not to a man. I'm constantly wondering what else is out there... if I might be happier or better suited for some other job, some other city, or some other man. Lately, I've made "create the life you want to live" my motto. This is my quest to make that happen.